You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Primitive People
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his adventures in the African jungle.

"Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of certain other animals?"

When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly, "What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and eggs and buttered toast."

[Judy Harder]

Aunt Emma
A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.

For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.

Eventually, the old girl passed away.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."

His wife looked at him aghast.

"My Aunt Emma!" she cried. "I thought she was 'your' Aunt Emma!" 

[Judy Harder]

*Wireless Security*

How to install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:

"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed


*A Dollar Per Point*

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed their tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back. That student got his test back and $64 change.

[Judy Harder]

*Conch Sale*

In a misguided burst of creativity, I installed a night-light in a conch shell I found on the beach. My wife took an instant dislike to it, and at the next yard sale it was the first thing she put out.

I felt vindicated when a woman kept coming back to check it out then finally bought it. "That will look great in your home," I said.

"Oh it is not for me," she explained. "My bridge club is having a charity auction and we were asked to bring in the most hideous thing we can find. What I've got here is a winner."

[W. Gray]

Small bulbs inside an artificial conch shell (probably made of a ceramic material) were the rage in the early 1950s as a TV light.

I think as soon as that fad ended, the pink flamingo craze started.

[Judy Harder]

Good Bye Wisdom?
A university student was told by his dentist that he would have to have his wisdom teeth removed.

Concerned about the expense, he consulted his roommate. "I'm not sure I can afford to have my wisdom teeth pulled," he complained.

"I know," his friend replied seriously. "I've seen your SATs."

[Judy Harder]

The Correct Response
When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"



The correct response is always, "Do I look stupid?"

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

A Clear Conscience . . .
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
 
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
 
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of car payments.
 
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
 
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

"You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......"
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".

You wake up and you have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

[Judy Harder]

A Great Time in Texas
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"

"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."

His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will not ask for directions."