You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

But Daddy
My husband and I took our two-year-old daughter to the home-improvement store.

Madison got tired of walking, so my husband let her ride on his shoulders.  As he walked, Madison began pulling his hair.  Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept on.

Getting annoyed, he scolded, "Madison!  Stop that!"

"But, Daddy," she replied, "I'm just trying to get my gum back."

[Judy Harder]

Yard Sale Anger
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," her friend replied.

"Normally, yes," she said.  "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."

[Judy Harder]

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one
for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if
we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the
bike passed him.

[Judy Harder]

Kid Quotes
"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - Donna Maria G, age 9

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you." - Rob P, age 8

"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it." - Steven B, age 8

"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs." - Susie F., age 7

"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10

[Judy Harder]

Sewing Machine Ad
The following is an ad from a newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY:
For sale: R.  D.  Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M..  and ask for Mrs.  Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY:
Notice: We regret having erred In R.  D.  Jones' ad yesterday.  It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap.  Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs.  Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY:
Notice: R.  D.  Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday.  The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.  D.  Jones has one sewing machine for sale.  Cheap.  Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.  and ask for Mrs.  Kelly who loves with him."

THURSDAY:
Notice: I, R.  D.  Jones, have no sewing machine for sale.  I intentionally broke it.  Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected.  I have not been carrying on with Mrs.  Kelly.  Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.

 

[Judy Harder]

Turtle Accident
Two snails were standing on the side of the road, a turtle stopped and said, "Do you guys want a ride on my back"?

One of the snails took him up on his offer and off he went.

As the turtle reached the intersection another turtle came along and crashed into him.  The poor little snail was thrown and killed.  A cop investigating the accident began questioning the dead snail's buddy.  "What happened?" he asked.

The little snail replied, "I don't know it all happened so fast."

[Judy Harder]

 
Fed Up
Long ago, on New York's lower east side, Mrs. Spinelli and Mrs.Goldberg were bragging about their respective abilities to overfeed dinner guests.

With evident pride Mrs. Spinelli says, "When they walk home from my house, they're all doubled-over."

Without a beat, Mrs. Goldberg answers, "From your house they can walk?"

[Judy Harder]

New Convert Help
He was not well-educated and rather rough and crude around the edges, but he was recently converted and now on fire for the Lord.

He was constantly pestering the pastor to give him some work that would be helpful to the church.  Finally the pastor agreed.  He gave the man a list of ten people who hadn't been in church for years nor made any financial contribution.  Some of these were quite prominent in the community.

The pastor said, "What I want you to do is get these people back to church, however you can.  You can use church stationery if you want, but get these people back to church."

Three weeks later the pastor got an envelope in the mail from a prominent doctor whose name had been on the list, along with a check for $1,000 and a note that read, "Dear Pastor, Please excuse my inactivity at church.  I really have no excuse.  Accept this check as a partial contribution for all the Sundays I've missed, and be assured I will never, by choice, miss worship again.

Sincerely, J.  B.  Jones, M.D.

P.S.  - Will you kindly tell your secretary that there is only one "t" in dirty and no "c" in skunk?"

[Judy Harder]

Signs You've Chosen a "No Frills" Airline
You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

No movie.  Don't need one.  Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

[Judy Harder]

Horse Batter
On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting line-up.

The coach asks, "What did you bring that horse here for?"

The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."

All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat.  At this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down.  They stare at the horse.

The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep in the outfield.

The horse just stands there and does not move.  The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.

The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"