You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

The Haircut
A young man had just gotten his driving permit.  He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you.  You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the young man came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that.  You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[larryJ]

I want to thank you, Judy, for making my day start off so nice.  If I have to laugh so early in the morning, I feel better!   

Larryj

[Judy Harder]

Doctor's Writing
Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor's fashion?

The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass.

Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium.

It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the cashier to increase his salary.

And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.

[Judy Harder]

Impressive Dinner
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams.  Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner.  His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned.  "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet."

[Judy Harder]

Captain Discipline
About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip.

Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked.

I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced,

"Children, this is the captain speaking.  Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"

[Judy Harder]

     

Vice President Pride
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" he said.  Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"

[Judy Harder]

Mellowing Mom
I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.

One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.

She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:

"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.

When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."

[Judy Harder]

Crossing the Road
There's a man trying to cross the street.  As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.  The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.  By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.  The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window.  The driver is a squirrel.  The squirrel says to the man says,

"See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

[Judy Harder]

Bumper Stickers
If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You

Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

HANG UP AND DRIVE!

Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Honk If Anything Falls Off

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

[Judy Harder]

Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work
Excuses To Give When You Have Missed Work

~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work.  Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh?  So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you?  No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

~ I just found out that I was switched at birth.  Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

~ The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session.  He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.

~ The dog ate my car keys.  We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

~ I prefer to remain an enigma.

~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax.  I insist on paying my fair share.

~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!

~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion).  I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.  Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.