You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Watergate Bug
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel.

The new bride is concerned and asked, "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "Hmm...  Good point.  I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug . . . "AHA!" he shouts!

Sure enough, under the rug was a small disc shaped plate, with four screws.  He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the plate out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?  How was the service?  How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

Curious, the groom says, "And why, sir, are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER yours complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

[Judy Harder]

Dog Exercises
You've seen those fitness ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions.  Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment.  If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now.  The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs.  Press tighter than the dog can pull.  Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out.  You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed.  Repeat, repeat, repeat.  As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places.  If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you.  Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog.  Get off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball.  Throw the squeaky toy.  Throw the Frisbee.  Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope.  Tug the pull toy.  Tug the sock.  Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw.  This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Remember, this is a timed exercise.  Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back.  WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs.  Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty.  Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise.  Greyhounds are inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball.  This is a lifelong fitness program.  A dog is never too old or too feeble to "kiss" you when you least expect it.

[Judy Harder]

Questions
A man took his son fishing one day.  After a few hours in the boat with not much to do, the son started asking his father some questions.

"How does the boat float?" he asked.

The man thought about the question for a moment, then said, "I don't really know, son."

"Well, how do fish breath underwater?"

The man scratched his head.  "I guess I don't know the answer to that one either."

"Why is the sky blue?" the boy persisted.

The father replied, "I really don't know, son."

The boy started to worry that his father was getting upset at all the questions.  "Do you mind me asking questions, Dad?"

His father immediately reassured him.  "No, of course not, son!  If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

[Judy Harder]

 
Doll Play
Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course.

The classes used the well known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice.  Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case.

The class went off in groups to practice.

As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked "Are you all right?"  He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.

Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

[Judy Harder]

Curve Hand
A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm.  The night was rolling on and no car went by.  The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy got into the back seat, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel!  The car started slowly; the guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.  Scared, he started to pray begging for his life.  He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel.   The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.

Gathering his strength, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town.  Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was serious.

About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same restaurant. They looked around for a table when one said to the other,

"Look John, that's the dummy who got in the car when we were pushing it."

[Judy Harder]

Wedding Cake Verse
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18" ...

"for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."

[Judy Harder]

Lumberjack
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left.  Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"

"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."

[Judy Harder]

Hearing Aid
While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.

"Don't help my hearing none," he replied.  "Makes people talk louder."

[Judy Harder]

Visiting Friends
Hush-A-Bye Buddy
(Modified from Rock-A-Bye Baby)

Hush-A-Bye Buddy
In our guest room
It's been three weeks now --
Are you leaving us soon?
We'll all miss your snoring
And carrying on,
But please--
Won't you go back
To Boca Raton?

[Judy Harder]

Murphy's Laws for Parents
1.  The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2.  Leakproof thermoses -- will.

3.  The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4.  The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5.  The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6.  Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7.  The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.

8.  Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9.  Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10.  Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers