You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

Fishing Wife
"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee.  "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.

"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.

Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.

"All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"

[Judy Harder]

Long Living
A tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.

When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[Judy Harder]

Sarahrella


After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother.  "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."

Her mom first asked for world peace.  Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.

Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children.  Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.

"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

[Judy Harder]

Two-Part Question
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $50,000 Question.  The night before the big question, he told the host MC that he desired a question on American History.

The big night arrived.  Bob made his way onstage in front of the studio and TV audience.  He had become the talk of the week.  He was the best guest this show had ever seen.  The MC stepped up to the mike.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question.  You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $50,000 dollars richer.  Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence -- the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first.  As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was not sure, but American History was his easiest subject, and he played it safe.

"I'll try the easier part first."

The MC nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience grew silent with gross anticipation...

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"

[Judy Harder]

Government Pipe Specifications
1.  All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole.

2.  All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3.  The I.D.  (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D.  (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4.  All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5.  All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B.  Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe.  If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

6.  All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7.  Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a very long pipe.

8.  All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

9.  Flanges must be used on all pipe.  Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10.  When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11.  Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe.  If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12.  All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.

[Judy Harder]

Summer Camp
A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in Summer Camp.

He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counselor asked, "Why did you bring!  an umbrella to camp?"

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

[Judy Harder]

Age Question

A college professor asked his class a question.

"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when Called upon said, "Professor you're 44.."

The Professor said, "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said, "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's only half crazy."

[Judy Harder]

Strange Problem
A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.

"Doc, there's something wrong with me.  Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe.  Can you tell me what the problem is?"

"Sure!" The doctor said.

"You have way too much time on your hands!"

[Judy Harder]

Forgetting Something
A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.

Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him.  Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried:

"Daddy, where's Mommy?"

[Judy Harder]

Black Snake
It was the first camping experience for Jed.

As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods.  In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled.

"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.

"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed.

The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly."

"Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"