You Make Me Laugh

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

Texas Cruise
A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.

After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.

The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."  

Their First Dishwasher

The family had finally gotten their first dishwasher. The father liked to inspect every new thing that cam into the house, so he stayed in the kitchen and watched the display count down all forty- four minutes of the dish washing cycle.

Suddenly he called out for his wife, shouting,

"It's useless, the dishwasher is useless!"

The wife was amazed that the newest appliance could be broken after only one use, but he insisted that because they had a water softener, the dishwasher was useless.

She decided to look for herself, and there it was, on the inside door, next to the detergent dispenser: .

. . . . .  "USE LESS WITH SOFT WATER"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Editors' Note: In my house we have two dishwashers . . .  my left and and my right hand . .

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Geneology Question*

When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy.

I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."

"Where did Mom come from then?"
"The stork brought her, too."
"OK, then where did you come from?"
"The stork brought me too, dear."
"Okay, thanks, Grandma."

I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Age Advice*

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Vacuum Repair*

My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home-repair project.

For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.

"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.

Dianne suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?"  
*Boat Compromise*

My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her, "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"

Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Judy Harder]

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND, IN THE PROCESS, GRANDCHILDREN) ...




To those of us who have children in our lives --
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or, students --
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And, the first thing He said was
'DON'T!'

'Don't what?' Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.'
God said.
'Forbidden fruit? .
We have forbidden fruit? Hey! Eve ... we have forbidden fruit!'



'No way!'
'Yes way!'

'Do NOT eat the fruit !'
said God.




'Why?'
'Because I am your Father, and I said so !' God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break,
and He was ticked!
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?'
God asked.





'Uh huh,'
Adam replied.

'Then why did you?'
said the Father.

'I don't know,'
said Eve.
'She started it!'
Adam said.

'Did not!' 'Did too!'
'DID NOT!'

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus, the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

If you have persistently, and lovingly, tried to give children wisdom, and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for YOU?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down, and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,
they usually repeat, word for word,
what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes ...
but, they are still getting in!



ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids --
they will choose your
nursing home one day.
And, FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION,
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:




'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN,'
and, 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN!!!'

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

Mom why have I got. . .
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to
stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom . . ."

"Yes son?"

. . ."Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

[Judy Harder]

TODAY'S LAUGH

A Perfect Angel
Our 13 year old niece spent last night with us.  When we dropped her off at home, my sister-in-law asked how she behaved.  "She was an angel," I informed her.

"Really?" she questioned.

"Yes, really.  A perfect angel." I assured her.

"I just don't understand.  Whenever she is with you she is well behaved.  Whenever she is at home, she is a monster.  She misbehaves for everyone else.  In fact, the teachers at her school drew straws to see who would be stuck with her in their class.  How come she always behaves for you?"  My sister in law asked.

"I don't know.  I guess I just have a way with children.  I also try to educate them as well.  A child is never to young to learn."  I answered.

"What do you mean.  What did you teach her?" She inquired.

"Well, for instance, children need to learn about death and dying so they better understand this process.  I explained this concept very carefully to her."  I informed my sister-in-law.

"Really?  You explained this to her at 13?" She asked dumbfounded.

"Well actually she was much younger when I explained this.  She now understands death perfectly.  Which is good, because it makes threatening her with it, much more effective."

[Judy Harder]

> Dividing Pecans
>
> On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
>
> Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' He just knew what it was. 'Oh my,' he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
>
> 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself.'
>
> Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
>
> At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done.'
>
> They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

[Judy Harder]

[b]*Computer Error*

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T

....IDIOT....

I used to like Harold.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*How Can Any Student Pass?*

It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY has 365 days. Typical academic year for a student:

1. Sundays - 52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest. Days left 313.

2. Summer holidays - 50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Days left 263.

3. 8 hours daily sleep - 130 days GONE. Days left 141.

4. 1 hour for daily playing - (good for health) means 15 days. Days left 126.

5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing properly & swallowing) means 30days. Days left 96.

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social being) - means 15 days. Days left 81.

7. Exam days - per year at least 35 days. Days left 46.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays) - 40 days. Balance 6 days.

9. For sickness- at least 3 days. Remaining days=3.

10. Movies and functions - at least 2 days. 1 day left.

11. That 1 day is your birthday. How can you study on that day???!!!!!!!!!! Days left = 0

How can any student pass?

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh [/b]

[Judy Harder]

*Cake Disaster*

Many years ago my just married young cousin moved into an upstairs apartment and invited some of her women friends over for the evening. She put out snacks and then came out with a cake that looked like a disaster.

She apologized and said she didn't know what happened to the cake because, she explained, "I even used the high altitude directions because I live upstairs."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh