Barack Obama: His Biography

[Warph]

Barack Obama began bringing about real change in Washington with his birth on August 4, 1961, a birthday he shares with big honking clowns Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani and Alberto Gonzalez. Like the typical Americans he purports to exemplify, Obama was born in Kenya and Hawaii and raised in Indonesia. Also, like the typical American, his father was a Kenyan economist.

After graduating from Columbia University—just like everyone else—Obama attended notorious clown incubator Harvard Law School.

Career
For the next five years, Obama managed to live a pretty clown-free professional existence, working as a community organizer, civil rights attorney, and constitutional law lecturer.

State Senate
All that changed in 1996 when he took office as an Illinois state senator, serving three terms marked by blatant sucking up to police unions and purposeful absences on days when controversial reproductive rights bills were up for a vote.

U.S. Senate
Stymied in a 2000 bid for the U.S. House of Representatives, Obama settled for election to the U.S. Senate in 2004, helped largely by the fact that his political opponents kept suffering public accusations of domestic violence and sexual misconduct. He eventually defeated perennial election loser Alan Keyes, who, despite last-minute carpetbagging from Maryland, still managed to win 30% of the vote.

As far as anyone can tell, the only things Obama did as junior senator from Illinois were to not vote for the Iraq War and run for president.

Presidential Campaign
Obama began his 2008 election campaign at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, delivering a keynote address that totally overshadowed the guy who was actually running that year...the guy, what's his name, with the long horse face, he's married to that ketchup heiress? Him. You know.... the swift-boater.

Throughout most of 2007, Obama was little more than a sparring partner for Hillary, the then-presumptive nominee. Obama-monium did not break out until his surprise victory at the Iowa caucus, which then plunged the two history-making candidates into their current back-and-forth, head-to-head fight over which long-held American prejudice remains the strongest.

Obama successfully used his victory in Iowa and other early primaries to generate a wave of amazing clown momentum. His charisma has been likened to that of JFK, and he has even received the official endorsement of Senator Edward M. Kennedy (D) of Massachusetts. However, it's entirely possible Kennedy actually thought he was giving the nod to Hillary and it was really just the beer goggles talking.

Supporters view Obama as a blank screen onto which Americans can project their own aspirations (though probably not neo-Nazi skinheads). Critics see him as style over substance, although, to be fair, he really isn't all that stylish. Unless you consider an open collar and rolled up sleeves "stylish," Don Johnson style.

Obama himself manages to affect the persona of the "everyman" candidate, despite a net worth of close to $1.5 million, a half-naked woman posting video homages to him on YouTube, and Oprah Winfrey's cell number in his "fave five."

Aside from the usual Democratic platform—abortions for some, stem cells for others, no guns for anyone—it is impossible to tell where Obama stands on the real issues, like whether or not a pro football team videotaped another team's pregame workouts, or what, exactly Roger Clemens had injected into his buttocks.

Nonetheless, by failing to win either Ohio or Texas on Tsunami Tuesday, Obama enabled the continuation of the Democratic primaries. With Obama's campaign arguing that it wasn't about winning states, it was about winning delegates, and the Clinton camp saying it wasn't about winning delegates, it was about winning states, we were still all forced to endure half a year of campaign mud-slinging, and Anderson Cooper's coverage thereof.

In June, 2008, Obama became the presumptive democratic nominee for president after Hillary Clinton decided to admit that she had actually lost several months earlier. It was at this point that Obama gave great optimism to the African-American community and a job to every African-American broadcaster who had ever set foot in front of a camera.

Appropriately, all optimism was quickly crushed by 24-hour news channels that would no longer settle for "compelling" video of him playing basketball. They began a four month search for anything slanderous anyone had ever said about or in front of him, which happened surprisingly often for a guy who started running for president before he even had his first "present" vote in congress.

Personal Life
Barack Obama is married to Michelle Obama (nee Robinson), with whom he has five children: Sondra, Denise, Theo, Vanessa and Rudy.

[greatguns]

So far, that is all he has needed to do.

[Warph]

Great Guns, greatguns.... actually you're right.... " People get disillusioned with government torpitude, corruption, and false promises.  Here comes a demagogue, Barack Hussein Obama, a 'speaker' who speaks of heavens and flowers to come.  And the people?  They Stupidly Follow! " ...... Warph