NOW, I have heard Everything? !!!!

[Judy Harder]

Talking Dogs
A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale '. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Beagle replies After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says

'So, what's your story?' The Beagle looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services...the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is 'The Devil Dogs.'

'In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.' 'I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.



'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's such a BSer ... He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!'





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[flo]

[Catwoman]

This is hiissssssssssssssssterical!

[Judy Harder]

There was this guy who was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for its house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes, then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

Again, there was no answer from his new pet.

He waited a few minutes more, then decided to ask him one more time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?"

A little voice came out of the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

[Diane Amberg]

HA!!!

[Teresa]

BELIEVE it or not , These are Nashville , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher :  9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller:  No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why? 


Dispatcher:  9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller :  Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller :  I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller :  No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher:  9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller:   I' m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller:    I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller:    Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher:  9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller:    My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller:    No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher:  9-1-1
Caller:  Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.  Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller:   I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller:   N o
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller:   Running from the Police.

[Jo McDonald]

                                                  YOU GOTTA LOVE HIM!!!!!!

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont , Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV AIDS virus. My parents live in Fort Worth . One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas .

I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three young teenage daughters. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview . She is still a part time "working girl."

All things considered, my problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. BUT, I want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?

Paul

[dnalexander]

Jo very funny. I didn't see that punch line coming. That is a great joke.

David

[Judy Harder]

THE  ITALIAN  TOMATO GARDENER
>
>  An Old Italian man lived  alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
>tomato
>garden, but it was  very hard work as the ground was hard.. His only son,
>Vincent, who  used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter
>to
>his son  and described his predicament:
>
>
>Dear Vincent,
>
>I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
>tomato garden this year.
>
>
>I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were
>here my troubles would
>be over.
>
>I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
>Love, Dad
>
>
>A few days later he received a letter from his son:
>
>
>Dear Dad,
>
>Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
>Love, Vinnie
>
>
>At 4 a.m. The next morning,
>FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without
>finding any bodies.
>
>They apologized to the old man and left.
>
>
>
>That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
>
>
>Dear Dad,
>
>Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
>circumstances.
>
>
>Love you, Vinnie
>

[Diane Amberg]

Hmmm, Maybe I'll try that next year.