New Work Policy

[Judy Harder]

*Dress Code*
It is advised that you come to work dressed
according to your salary
If we see you wearing Prada shoes
and carrying a Gucci bag,
we assume you are doing well financially;
therefore, you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, we will assume
you need to learn to manage your money better,
so that you may buy nicer clothes;
therefore, you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, we assume
you are right where you need to be;
therefore, you do not need a raise.

*Sick Days*
We will no longer accept a doctor's
statement as proof of illness.
If you are able to go to the doctor,
we assume you are well enough
and able to come to work.

*Personal Days*
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
Those days are called Saturday & Sunday.

*Bereavement Leave*
This is no excuse for missing work.
There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary,
the funeral should be scheduled to take
place in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work
through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

*Toilet Use*
Entirely too much time is being
spent on and/or near the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute
time limit to be spent in the stalls.
At the end of exactly three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will then retract, followed by the stall
door opening. Then, a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company
bulletin board under the
"Chronic Offenders category"
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will
be sanctioned under the company's strict
mental health policy.

*Lunch Break*
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch,
as they need to eat more in order to help
them begin looking healthier.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch
allowing them time enough to eat a well
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people will have only 5 minutes for lunch,
because no more time is needed to drink a
Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company!
We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations,irritations,
aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplations, consternation