Giggles for 2008

[Wilma]

That is funny but truer than you think.  When my father died, my mother kept his boots and outer clothes hanging where they could be seen from outside so it would look as if there were still a man living there.  Her theory was that anyone that knew her would know the difference and anyone that didn't know her wouldn't know the difference.

[Judy Harder]

THIS ONE IS WORTH READING ALL THE WAY TO THE END!

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God
decided to change the
admittance policy.
The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you
had to have a really
bad day on the day that you died.
The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

 
So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the
gates of Heaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy,
promptly asked the man,
'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your
day was going when you
died.'
 
'No problem, the man said. 'I came home to my
25th-floor apartment on my
lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair.
But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately
began searching for him.
My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched
the entire apartment.

 
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance
out onto the balcony
and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge
by his fingertips! The
nerve of that guy!
 
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his
fingers until he fell to
the ground.
 
But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and
bushes that broke his
fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy
thing I could get my
hands on to throw at him.
 
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the
refrigerator.
I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and
tipped it over the side.
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
 
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a
heart attack and died
almost instantly.'
 
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically,
the guy did have a bad
day.
It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced,
'OK, sir. Welcome to the
Kingdom of Heaven ,' and let him in.
 
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the
Angel's surprise, it was
Donald Trump.
 
'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was
like when you died.'
 
Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to
believe this. I was on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily
exercises.
I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really
pushing hard to relieve
my stress.
I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the
side!
 
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips
on the balcony below
mine.
But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out
of his apartment,
starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at
the bottom, which
broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.
 
As I'm lying there face up on the ground , unable to
move and in
excruciating pain, I see this guy push his
refrigerator of all things off
the balcony.
It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing
me instantly.'
 
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump
finishes his story. 'I
could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to
himself.
'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the
Kingdom of Heaven ,'
and he lets Trump enter.
 
A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the
gate.
The Angel is almost too shocked to speak.
Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the
Angel's head.
Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what
it was like the day you
died.'
 
Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a
refrigerator......

[Teresa]

How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?  Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!  AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!!  BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!!  IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

...uhhh....... I'm sorry.      What was the question?