Everything You Ever Needed To Know About Politics......

[Warph]

Everything You Ever Needed To Know About Politics But Were Too Stupid To Know You Needed To Know!


Why anyone would actually want to intentionally set out to immerse him/herself in the culture of politics is beyond me, but obviously some people do this as you can major in Political Science (affectionately known as "Polly wants a cracker but can't get one so Polly pecked out the pirate's eye" which due to a complex process involving lots of alcohol and a Steno Pad eventually became "Poli-Sci").  I could teach you everything you could possible learn about Political Science in one easy lesson, but then I couldn't exploit my hidden talent of making up stuff.  So pay attention to the following because there will be an exam.

The first lesson of Political Science is that there is nothing scientific about politics.  Politics just sorta happens the same way that the Corleone mafiosi just sorta happened to take over Sicily in the early 1980s.  Basically, one guy got mad at another guy and, in a fit of politics, blew up his Volkswagen.  Surprisingly, this was a good debate tactic as the man inside the Volkswagen never saw things the wrong way again.  Of course, this brand of politics would not work in America's Constitutional Republic where politicians can withstand an atomic blast and still ignore both the Constitution and Republicans.  However, in the political structure of Sicily, this succeeded (mostly because Sicily had a police force that was extremely skilled at looking the other way).

But the common people--known in Political Speak as the three I's of "Independents", "Ignorants", or "I'll-Do-What-You-Do"--did not like this.  In no time, they were in the streets chanting, "We do not like this."  Eventually, that gave rise to a new cry, which inspired more people with bigger signs: "Give me liberty, or give me whatever you think I need instead."  Thus, the Corleone family was forced to buy the mayor a new Volkswagen even though they could no longer find all of him.

Now this may seem like a lot of trouble for you, but that is because you are not skilled in Poly- Sci. 

Anyway, on to our next point, which is that Political Science is not Political either.  We know this because Tipper Gore once said, "Politics is personal" (although someone should point out that for her husband politics is really "a lost cause").  Mafia hit men always say, "Nothin' personal" before they rearrange your face so you look like you inspired Picaso.

Therefore, Political Science has nothing to do with Politics.

Having now established that Political Science is neither Political nor Science, it is generally wise to not let your Congress(wo)man know you know this.  They like to be in control of everything, doling out the knowledge to whomever they wish from their thrones high upon the facade of the House of Reprehensibles.  Also they have the power to tax you and make you pay for services that you would rather not support, such as reparations for the Dodo bird extinction of '08.

And this, ladies, gentlemen, and trans/multi/non- genders, is the essence of Political Science, which can be illustrated by this brilliant use of quasi-bullet points that look amazingly like plus signs because my keyboard is too cheap to include real bullets:

+ Political Science isn't science

+ Political Science isn't Politics

+ BTW, you owe the IRS $8,493.27 in back taxes