Always Maxi Pads

[Teresa]

This is an actual letter from an Austin, Texan woman
sent to American company, Proctor and Gamble regarding
their feminine products. She really gets rolling after
the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'
choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads
for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their
features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave
absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of
running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I
feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my
pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right
now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes
from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed
into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred
hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body
amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division,
you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what
exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits
from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about
our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that
  America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in
  Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my
letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out
my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there,
printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:
'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does any
part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is
possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well,
did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick
S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about
a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin
and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you
don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a
blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you
have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't
it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular
Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad
business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending b***S***. And that's a promise
I will keep.

Always. .. .

Wendi

[Judy Harder]

OH, Thank the Lord I have outgrown those years.

True, so true.

[pam]

ROFLMAO