Giggles for 2008

[Judy Harder]

6 TRUTHS OF LIFE

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first 'truth', will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You will soon forward this to another idiot

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face.


I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus,
or occasionally pee on yourself...

You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special.

[Judy Harder]

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to
$500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts
for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.


Upstairs, the wife thinks, " I have an idea. It's so sheer that it
might as well be wearing nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the
modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."



She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.  The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"........


He never heard the shot.
Funeral on THURSDAY at Noon. Closed coffin

[Teresa]

LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON :
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!!"

SUPPORT A FAMILY :
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

FIRST TIME USHERS ! :
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS :
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.


THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"


Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie . "Giving up?"

GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA! HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're s tupid, Little Davie ?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[Teresa]

A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.


Now

The NEW Alphabet


A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?


D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.


H.. high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I.. for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!




P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.


S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.


W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.


*I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and
I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!*

[Judy Harder]

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas . 

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment . 

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?:Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs?'

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. 

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:      ;)Oh yes, absolutely.

[Judy Harder]

The Three Little Pigs


Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter came and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.
 
' I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.
 
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.
 
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and a sked if the piggy's would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.
 
'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'   

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?' 
 

The third piggy says -
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[Judy Harder]

This is how smart women are made -- they start as smart little girls!
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

Oh, I don't know', said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'

OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea,'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

[sixdogsmom]

  Oh Judy! You are a treasure! LOLOL!! 

[Teresa]

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer let him go without even a warning. 

[Teresa]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had
saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his
money.

  Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When
I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to  take my money to the afterlife with me."

  And so he got his wife to promise him, with all
of her heart, that when he died, she would put  all of the money into
the casket with him.

  Well, he died. He was stretched out in the
casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend
was sitting next to her.  When they finished the ceremony, and just
before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

  "Wait just a moment!"
  She had a small metal box with her; she came
over with the box  and put  it in the casket. Then the undertakers
locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

  "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put
all that money in there with your husband."

  The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a
Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going
to put that money into the casket with him."

  You mean to tell me you put that money in the
casket with him!?!?!?"

  "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all
together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it."