Giggles for 2008

[Jo McDonald]

                   Ole


Ole, a furniture dealer from Brainerd MN, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his
store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a
line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition,
he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat
enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the
other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked
him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand), so he motioned to the
vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English,
but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to
communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and
showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and
drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the
bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner,
after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the
band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed. To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the
furniture business

[Judy Harder]

A Russian And A Redneck Wrestler Were Set To Square Off For The Olympic
Gold Medal. Before The Final Match, The Redneck Wrestler's Trainer Came To
Him And Said, "now, Don't Forget All The Research We've Done On This
Russian. He's Never Lost A Match Because Of This 'pretzel' Hold He Has.
Whatever You Do, Do Not Let Him Get You In That Hold! If He Does, You're
Finished."



The Redneck Nodded In Acknowledgment.

As The Match Started, The Redneck And The Russian Circled Each Other
Several Times, Looking For An Opening.

All Of A Sudden, The Russian Lunged Forward, Grabbing The Redneck And
Wrapping Him Up In The Dreaded Pretzel Hold. A Sigh Of Disappointment Arose
>From The Crowd And The Trainer Buried His Face In His Hands, For He Knew
All Was Lost. He Couldn't Watch The Inevitable Happen.

Suddenly, There Was A Scream, Then A Cheer From The Crowd And The Trainer Raised His Eyes Just In Time To Watch The Russian Go Flying Up In The Air. His Back Hit The Mat With A Thud And The Redneck Collapsed On Top Of Him Making The Pin And Winning The Match.

The Trainer Was Astounded. When He Finally Got His Wrestler Alone, He Asked, "how Did You Ever Get Out Of That Hold? No One Has Ever Done It Before!"

The Wrestler Answered "well, I Was Ready To Give Up When He Got Me In That Hold But At The Last Moment, I Opened My Eyes And Saw This Pair Of Testicles Right In Front Of My Face. I Had Nothing To Lose So With My Last Ounce Of Strength I Stretched Out My Neck And Bit Those Babies Just As Hard As I Could."

The Trainer Exclaimed, "so That's What Finished Him Off!"
..
.
.

"not Really. But You'd Be Amazed How Strong You Get When You Bite Your Own Nuts."

[Jo McDonald]

                   WHITE LIE CAKE


Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this,
especially all of those who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies'  Group in
Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute.  She remembered
the  morning of the bake sale & after rummaging through cabinets, found an
angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, &
helping her son pack for Sc out camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat
and the cake was horribly disfigured. she thought, "Oh dear, there is not
time to bake another cake."

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at
her new church & in her new community of friends. So, being  inventive,
she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the
cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She  plunked
it in & covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look
beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church & head for
work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda & gave her some money & specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 & to  buy
the cake & bring it home.

When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect
cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone & called her mom.

ilies of Tuscaloosa.  But, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a
believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old
South &, to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but
before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a
beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

[Teresa]

After being interviewed
By the school administration,
The eager teaching prospect
Said:

"Let me see
If I've got this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids,
And Fill their every waking moment with a love for learning,
And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and Even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases,
Check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and
Raise their self esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote,
How to balance a checkbook, And How to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain A safe environment, Recognize
Signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the state exams,
Even those who don't come to school regularly or
Complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps
Get an equal education Regardless Of the extent of their mental
Or physical handicap.

I am to communicate regularly with the parents By letter, telephone,
Newsletter and report card.

All of this I am to do
With just
A piece of chalk,
A computer,
A few books,
A bulletin board,
A big smile
AND
On a starting salary
That qualifies my family
For food stamps!

You want me To do all of this
And

Then you tell me..."

"I CAN'T PRAY?"

[Diane Amberg]

I've seen this before on the bulletin board in the teachers' room at Stanton Middle School. Love it!!!!

[Judy Harder]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

[Judy Harder]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair.

She can't possibly be mine.' 'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How
often do you have sex?'

The man seemed a bit ashamed.  'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well , there you have it!' the doctor said.
'It's rust.'

[Teresa]

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:


30% of women think their ass is too fat............


10% of women think their ass is too skinny......


The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world. 

[Judy Harder]

Atlanta Airport

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South.  Some of you will enjoy this more than others...   Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION
COURSE.   INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now  and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "

[Teresa]

 TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?'
SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

' A WITCH, .....WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW., TAKIN MY TEETH WITH HER.'