Giggles for 2008

[Carl Harrod]

That was a good one! You should send it to Bill Engvall to have him include it in his "Here's your sign" list.

This one is funny, but hardly compares:

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"
He ignored me and continues writing the ticket.
I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in "08."

[sixdogsmom]

Gotta Luv It!!! LOLOLOL!!! 

[Judy Harder]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by
saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Gloria stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Gloria?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

**************
Little Gloria watched, fascinated, as her mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do
you do that, mommy?" she asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said her mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Gloria. "Giving up?"

***************
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on
His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long
time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Charles raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Henry was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Gloria, waving her hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his
wits and asked Little Gloria how she knew this
Little Gloria said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door,
and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

****************
The math teacher saw that little Gloria wasn't paying attention in class. 
She called on her and said, "Gloria!  What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Gloria quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

***************
Little Gloria's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted
criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo
of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Gloria asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

***************
Little Gloria attended a horse auction with her father. She watched as her
father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and
chest. After a few minutes, Gloria asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are
healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Gloria, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

[Judy Harder]

Why are wedding dresses white?


IT MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY BRAVE MAN WHO WROTE THIS!!!!!!
 
IT'S EVEN A BRAVER ONE WHO FORWARDS IT !!!!!!!


 
Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,  "Son, this shows your friends

and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
 
"Son, all household appliances come in white."

[Jo McDonald]

THE OLD MAN WAS GROCERY SHOPPING WITH HIS GRANDSON, A TODDLER, WHO WAS CRYING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS.  AS THE OLD GENTLEMAN WALKED UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, PEOPLE COULD HEAR HIM SOFTLY SAYING, "WE ARE ALMOST DONE, ALBERT, TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT.  LIFE WILL GET BETTER, ALBERT."



AS HE APPROACHED THE CHECKOUT STAND, HE CAREFULLY BRUSHED TEARS FROM THE TODDLER'S EYES AND SAID AGAIN, "TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT, WE WILL BE HOME SOON, ALBERT."



AS HE WAS PAYING, THE TODDLER CONTINUED TO CARRY ON AND A YOUNG WOMAN IN LINE SAID,  "IT'S WONDERFUL HOW SWEET YOU ARE TO POOR LITTLE ALBERT."

THE OLD GENTLEMAN BLINKED HIS EYES A COUPLE OF TIMES AND SAID,  "MY GRANDSON'S NAME IS JOHN.  I AM ALBERT."

[Judy Harder]

A 3-year-old's Tea Party!!

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and
my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe  3
years old and had just recovered from an accident in
which my arm had been broken among other injuries. 

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift
and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living
room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was
playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a
little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups
of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch
me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest
thing!!'
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the
hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink
it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place
that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'




"Patience is the art of losing your temper slowly."

[Carl Harrod]

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. 
Then I caught her spending $65 on makeup.
And I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.

[Judy Harder]

Ol' Blue


  A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.
   
  "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern ducation is developing!  They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"
   
  "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
   
  "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."
   
  So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
   
  About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
   
  "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.
   
  "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't be lieve this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
   
  "Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
   
  "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
   
  The money promptly arrives.
   
  But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
   
  So he shoots the dog.
   
  When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
   
  "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
   
  "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.
   
  Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around with that little redhead who lives in town?"
   
  The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
   
  "I sure did, Dad!"
   
  "That's my boy!"
   
  The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

[Judy Harder]

"Lucky Night At The Bar"

A guy had an interesting experience recently
involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.

She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was
drinking quite a bit and, while they were
chatting, she came right out and asked him
if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a
mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him
into it. So she slams back one last drink,
wipes her mouth and, looking directly into
his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the
hall light right as they enter her place, and she
shouts upstairs:

"Mom! You still awake?"

[Judy Harder]

Blonde Farmer's Wife
     
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.  Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me lady, cause I'm dying to know.....how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?"   "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"  The blonde turns to walk away, and says sweetly over her shoulder, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."