Giggles for 2008

[Judy Harder]

  Good one. Thanks

[Dale Smith]

THE ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE
It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it. 

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.  The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....








"Clean my house."     

Women are not stupid. 


For all you men out there...be careful how you choose your words 'cause you may not get what you're expecting. Women are a smart bunch and that's for sure!! ;o)

[flo]

Dale, liked that "female" joke 

[Judy Harder]

True Friendship

None of that Sissy Cr @ p

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on mountain dew.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well

Again. I don't want whatever the hell you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.

Friendship is like peeing your pants,

everyone can see it,

But only you can feel the true warmth..

[Teresa]

How Men Can Screw Up A Romantic Evening...

[Diane Amberg]

Cannonballs?

[indygal]

I hope this isn't a repeat.... forwarded through email and cute enough to share:

Computers vs Cars

   For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our
lives, read on.
   At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
   In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
   1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
   2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
   3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
   4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
   5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
   6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
   7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
   8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
   9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how t o drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
   10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[Dee Gee]

Isn't that the truth.

[Teresa]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of used
   men's work boots, size 14-16.

2. Put them on your front porch, along with a copy of
   Guns & Ammo magazine.

3. Place a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and
   magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Hey Bubba:
Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls - - they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad.  I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.
Cooter"

[Diane Amberg]

That's great, but our local bad guys can't read! I guess the boots and dishes would have to do.