Giggles for 2008

[Judy Harder]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Buster, the wonder
dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What did she think I had, an
elephant?  So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her
that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet
again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one
or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.  I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.
 
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me.

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car
hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there
anymore.

[Judy Harder]

MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD


Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'


Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'



The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'



'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

[Teresa]

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING

DO NOT SWALLOW CHEWING-GUM!!

[Carl Harrod]

  One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,  her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared  and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"
  The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and  that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their  family.
  The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble  set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
  The seamstress replied, "No."
  The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed  with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
  Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
  The Lord reached down again and came up with a simple leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
  The seamstress replied, "Yes."
  The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
  Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the  riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the  water. When the seamstress cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
  The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.
"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
"Yes!" cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a  misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up  with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my  husband.
  Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not  in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
  And so the Lord let her keep him.
  The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and  honorable reason, and is always in the best interest of others.
  That's our story, and we're sticking so it.
Signed,
All Us Women

[sixdogsmom]

Okay Carl, you can go on to bed now! You done yer duty fer today! You are indeed a good man! LOL!!!

[Jo McDonald]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it
. . Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a
steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the
fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.
Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your ratio
is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to
one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! . . . . Foods are fried these
days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it.
How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to
me.



Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may
have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay
in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

AND . . . . .

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final
word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages
and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English must be our problem.

[indygal]

ROFL....thank YOU, Jo, for great giggles. I remember reading something like this years ago, but I laughed just as hard the second time. Three cheers for vegetables!

[Bonnie M.]

This makes me happy I'm having some good old healthy chili with cornbread for supper!

[Roma Jean Turner]

 


   









Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.  When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.     

[Carl Harrod]

Midlife Crisis Cure

  When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. "Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
  My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV."

  Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.