Giggles for 2008

[Carl Harrod]

Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has  caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in our store:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the  "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled  "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes  the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[Diane Amberg]

Oh my gosh, where in the world did you find that!!!!

[Teresa]

That is sooo funny.
Proves that you don't want to leave your husband alone for too long roaming in the store while you shop.

[Teresa]

Gunslinger & the Old Prospector

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,
a young cocky gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
"Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man' s feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his
gun and turned around and staggered back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and
pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The
gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd
watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both
barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Have you ever kissed a mule square on his ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed real hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."



The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old guys.

[Carl Harrod]

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

[Diane Amberg]

Those are really good....and how true.

[Teresa]

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him
"Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license,
I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said,
"But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine
years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a
strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the
minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I
said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my
whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't
want to hear about my personal life and would not
marry us in his church. I told him everyone would
enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were
married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is
barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the
dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told
the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and
a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the
motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't
understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The
clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the
competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I
told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You
don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on
TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to
fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I
had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I
was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking
all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I
was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I
said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next
Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and
had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever
foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my
first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has
been my best friend all my life but now it has left me
for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and
the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand
that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a
dog."

[Jo McDonald]

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a
card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to
learn more -
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the
desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - "Oh yes here it is:
The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully
wash their genital regions
You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then
rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's
examination.
There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to
Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles fom here."
"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

[Judy Harder]

PEDIATRIC NURSE----TOOOOOO CUTE

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment.

Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said..........."What do you suppose that is?"

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"

[Carl Harrod]

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux are quietly sitting in a boat fishing and quietly sucking down some cold drinks when suddenly Boudreaux says, "Thibodeaux, I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Thibodeaux slowly sips his drink and says, "You better think it over Boudreaux - women like that are hard to find."

******************************************************************************************************

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".
He can't remember what happened after that...