Giggles for 2008

[Judy Harder]

A Winter Statistic

98% of Americans say
'Oh Shit!' before going
in the ditch on a
slippery road.

The other 2% are
from rural Kansas and they say,
'Hold my beer and watch this.'

[Carl Harrod]

The Bathtub Test

   It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
   "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
   "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup".
   "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[sixdogsmom]

Good one! 

[Bonnie M.]

I'm glad you wrote about the bath tub, just in case I am ever given that test! 

[Diane Amberg]

I passed it once, but the next time they ask me, who knows?  cute!!!!

[Carl Harrod]

Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.  ~Author Unknown

What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret

Grandmothers are just "antique" little girls. ~Author Unknown

Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. ~Welsh Proverb

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. ~Author Unknown

Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore Vidal

Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown

Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because Pop-pops have only so many horsey rides in them. ~Gene Perret

When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~Ogden Nash

Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree

Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies. ~Author unknown

Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever. ~Author Unknown

If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first. ~Lois Wyse

My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. ~Henry Youngman

If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is no fun for old people like it!  ~Hannah Whithall Smith

It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the world calls her grandmother. ~Author Unknown

Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old. ~Mary H. Waldrip

You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~Proverb

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. ~Dave Barry

I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for self-defense.. ~Gene Perret

Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love.  ~Author Unknown

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Alex Haley

Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of practice. ~Author Unknown

A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. ~Author Unknown

One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove

It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one. ~Author Unknown

If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time," you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother.  ~G. Norman Collie

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren. ~Author Unknown

What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are God's gifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature at a fast rate. ~Bill Cosby

[Judy Harder]

3 wishes and a Genie

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden
and a West Virginian are all working together one
day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops
out of it.

"I will give each on you one wish, which is three
wishes in total",  says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm.
I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."

POOF!  With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada
was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels,
Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."

POOF!  Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there
was a huge wall around those countries.

The West Virginian says, "I am very curious. Please tell
me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high,
5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries.
Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."

The West Virginian sits down, cracks a beer, smiles,
and says, "Fill it with water."

I pretty much vote this my favorite email of the year.... !!!!!!!!!!

[Jo McDonald]

The strong young man at the construction site was
bragging that he could  outdo anyone in a feat of
strength. He made a special case of making fun
of one of the older workmen. .After several minutes,
the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your
money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something
in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't
be able to wheel back.""You're on, old man," the braggart
replied. "Let's see what you got."The old man reached
out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then,
nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, dumb ass!
Get in."

[Judy Harder]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.   
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Diane Amberg]

Jo, that is the kind of thinking that I absolutely love. Judy, now that the bad guys are going to use more women, you better watch out!