Old Age is a Gift

[Teresa]

Got these from my mama. 


Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum


Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go bra-less. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right? 

[Diane Amberg]

 

[pam]

 

[Jo McDonald]

                 SENIOR MOMENT
The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly
demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.

There was quite a pause on the other end of the
phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

"I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too."

[Diane Amberg]

A few years ago during an especially busy October, I had a LOT of fire safety programs scheduled at local schools, several a day. One day I got up, put on my uniform, grabbed a cup of coffee and a fruit bar, put the usual stuff in the car and drove to the traffic light at the top of the hill and suddenly realized I had absolutely no idea where I was going! I had to pull over and check the calendar in my purse to see where I was supposed to go.

[Wilma]

A senior moment, Diane?

[Diane Amberg]

An extremely senior moment!

[sixdogsmom]

Back when I was going to school full time and working all available other hours and had a disabled husband at home, I had that happen. I drove half way to school when I should have been going to work; I had to turn around and go back. Kind of think I was getting a little thin there. It is really a feeling of panic when you realise that you either don't know where you are or where you should be. Kind of like waking from sound sleep and not being able to oriente yourself, I hate that.

[Teresa]

 As many of you know, I had ambitions of finding a simple,
uncomplicated part time job after retiring from my 'day job'. 
Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a
little less sensitive.  So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart
greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling
obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.  As I had been
instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped
yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9,
and the other one's 7. Why the Hell would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe
you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.....

Ed.

[Teresa]

Getting older is...................   Oh yeah...now I remember...
Getting older is .well.... getting older. .