another giggle

[Judy Harder]

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael,
the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've
made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What
is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on
it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be
a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of
earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place
of great opportunity and wealth, while southern
Europe is going to be poor.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people,
and over there is a continent of black people.

Balance in all things," God continued point ing to
different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot, while this one
will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then
pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State , the most glorious place
on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and
streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.

The people from Washington State are going to be
handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they
are going to travel the world.

They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high
achieving, and they will be known throughout the
world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers
of software!."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then
asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there
would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till
you see the idiots I put there."  

[Jo McDonald]

 
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude
and spots a man fishing from a boat below.
She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, 'You're in a hot air balloon,
approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09
minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be a Republican!'
'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answers the balloonist, 'everything you tell me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still
lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'
The man smiles and responds, 'You must be a Democrat.'
'I am,' replies the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are or where you're going.
You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve
your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met
, but, somehow, now it's my fault.'

[Carl Harrod]

BUMPER STICKERS FOR LADIES

So many men, so few who can afford me
Coffee, chocolate, men, some things are just better rich
Don't treat me any different than you would a queen
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun
WARNING: I have an attitude and I know how to use it
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time
Do not start with me, you will not win
All stressed out and no one to choke
I can be one of those bad things that happens to bad people
How can I miss you if you won't go away
Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
If you want breakfast is bed, sleep in the kitchen

[Diane Amberg]

 I love them all and have a couple of them, but I'd never dare put them on my car.

[Judy Harder]

*SMART ASS ANSWER #6** *
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in
front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

*
SMART ASS ANSWER #5** *
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I
need
to see your ticket not your stub."
*
SMART ASS ANSWER #4* *
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."*
*
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled
down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.* *
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."* *
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a
ticket.*
*
SMART ASS ANSWER #2*
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right
ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop
gets
out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his
hips and
says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge
and ran out of gas."

*SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 200**7*  *

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now
class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says.* *
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."*


*
KEEP SMILING - - ITS CATCHING!*

[Jo McDonald]

 
               

   

   

The History of the Middle Finger
   

   
Well, now......here's something I never knew before,
   
and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it
   
on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that
   
they, too, will feel edified.  Isn't history more
   
fun when you know something about it?
   

   
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the  French,
 
anticipating victory over the English, proposed to
   
cut off the middle finger of all captured English
   
soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be
   
impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and
   
therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the
   
future. This famous English longbow was made of the
   
native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the
   
longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").   

   
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English
 
won a major upset and began mocking the French by
   
waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,
   
saying, See, we can still pluck yew!  Since 'pluck
   
yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning has gradually
 
changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the
   
words often used in conjunction with the one-finger
   
salute!  It is also because of the pheasant feathers
   
on the arrows used with the longbow that the
   
symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
   
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH   
      TODAY!
   
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.   

   
 
                                 




       

[Carl Harrod]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said
"This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly "Just where the hell are you from?"
The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said "You tell me, expert."

[Jo McDonald]

                   Garage Door

             The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his
              zipper as down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up
             to him  and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you
             close your garage door?" The boss told her he knew he'd closed
             the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

             As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was
             open,and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question
             about  his "garage door."

            He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask her,
           "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in
            there?"

            She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini
            van with two flat tires."

[Jo McDonald]

With the lack of rain in North Carolina, the Baptists have started baptizing by sprinkling, the Methodists have started using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are taking rain checks and the Catholics are praying that the wine will turn back to water.     

           Now that's dry!!!!

[Diane Amberg]

Now that's funny, that's what that is.