another giggle

[Judy Harder]

SUMMARY OF MY PAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387, 258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $234,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail tracking program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[Roma Jean Turner]

 :)Another good one.  In the old days I forwarded so much stuff, which I totally believed, only to have a few of my meticulous friends look it up and then send an e-mail to everyone we knew, that my e-mail was actually bogus.  Every now and then one still gets by me. If I forwarded everything that I got about saving someone from something, I wouldn't have any friends anymore.

[Diane Amberg]

 I guess I'm a natural skeptic. I see through most of that stuff. Oh, I got another solicitation from the March of Dimes. That makes 5 in just a few weeks.

[flo]

Judy, that was funny funny funny and yes, we all get those stinking e-mails and I have yet to be struck dead or crippled because I didn't forward something to 15 friends within 15 minutes, and I missed out on the millions of dollars cause I refused to participate in their polls and some poor child is still lost and sick because I didn't add my name to some list.   

[Wilma]

I'm with you, Flo.  Whatever happens or wherever you are sent because you didn't follow instructions, I'll be there, too.  I do hate missing out on all those millions, though.

[sixdogsmom]

It is interesting to visit snopes.com and see what they have to say about all this stuff. Most of the ones that want an email address are not in truth petitions as represented, but a ruse to collect email addresses for spam purposes. It is an interesting site.

[Teresa]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell
phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit
her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was
searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple
of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was
escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her
personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car
while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and
cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper
sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, And the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk, Naturally...

I assumed you had stolen the car."

Priceless.

[Teresa]

If you see this on your way out the door in the moring......
turn around ..go back in and have another cup of coffee.
It's probably not going to be a very good day!  

[emptynest]

Two Docs

THE PSYCHIATRIST AND THE PROCTOLOGIST

Two doctors
opened an office in a small town

and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones,
Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy
with the sign, so the
doctors changed it to read,
"Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either,
so in an effort to

satisfy the council, they
changed the name to:
"Catatonics and High Colonics."

No go.

Next, they tried:
"Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives."
Thumbs down again.

Then came:
"Minds and Behinds."
Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in:
"Lost Souls and Butt Holes."
Unacceptable again.

So they tried:
"Analysis and Anal Cysts."
Not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts?"
No way.

"Freaks and Cheeks?"
Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?"
Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end,
the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones,
Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

[Judy Harder]

Here's An Idea For This Hunting Season....

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it  up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in  this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at  my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there  (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while  I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be  difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it
down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The  cattle, which had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were  not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up, 3 of them. I  picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder,  and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the
rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The  deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly  concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it. .It took  a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there  looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you  start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED!!!

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger  than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight  down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance. That thing ran and  bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no  getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me
across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not  nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that  they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later,  it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when  I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was
mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get  that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go  with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and  painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and  that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess  that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several
large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my  head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could  still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I  shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I  didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I managed to get it  lined up to back in between my truck and the feeder, a little trap I had set
beforehand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and  started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have  thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I  reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.  Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they  just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head, almost  like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a
deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming  and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was  biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several  seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that  claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the hound out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will  strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet  and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are  surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a  horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the  best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move  towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you  can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such  trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a  different strategy. I screamed like woman and tried to turn and run. The  reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that  paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back  of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides  being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the  head and knocked me down.

Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it doesn't immediately  leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they  do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying  there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to  crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I  had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt  broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in  a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most  of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co- op. I  got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like I'd just  come from a bar-room brawl. The guy who ran the place saw me through the  window and came running out yelling "what happened"

I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an  individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have  overlooked entirely Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement  personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may  find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I  swear, not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid  played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer." I did  not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all over  my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over  me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked  him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did.

Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know  about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and  wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the  attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain  hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell  out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.
EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op  has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house  when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they  filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER  anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an  outsider, a "city folk", I have enough trouble fitting in without them  snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the dumb-butt that tried  to rope the deer.