Humorous Story / Funnies

[Diane Amberg]

Yuk, yuk... been there, seen that. I could tell some doozies. We do get them covered up if the significant other hasn't already done it.

[Carl Harrod]

ABC's of ex girlfriends
A - is for Arteries.  You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you.  You twit she was only after your money.
B - is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C - is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.
D - is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E - is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.
F - is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.
G - is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.
H - is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.
I - stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.
J - stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.
K - stands for Kill.
L - is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.
L - is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.
M - stands for Mephistopheles. That is who she worked for.
N - stands for Necrophilia. She didn't move very much, did she?
O - is for On top. When on top she has another O word.
P - is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now suing you for a few hundred bucks a month.
Q - is for Quitter. She couldn't last.
R - is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.
S - stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.
T - is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.
U - is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.
V - is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.
W - stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.
X - is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.
Y - stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.
Z - stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"
. - stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

[Diane Amberg]

Perhaps the O and the W should stand for older and wiser.

[Bonnie M.]

Carl, you're funny!

[Carl Harrod]

Open Letter To All Men
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.  My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Jean. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Jean to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.  Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.  I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.  Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.  When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.  I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Jean. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. Signed, Jim

*EDITOR'S NOTE:  Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Jean was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty , accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.  As it should be...

[Diane Amberg]

Aha! What an "accident" he had. Though it may have been suicide.

[Teresa]

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. If she can look like this , maybe I will too. Woo Hoo.. I am ready to get started!  Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[greatguns]

Love it. Love it. Love it.

[Judy Harder]

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON
You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
@ WORK
You spend the majority of your time
in a 6X6 cubicle /office.

@ PRISON
You get three meals a day fully paid for.
@ WORK
You get a break for one meal and
you have to pay for it.

@ PRISON
You get FREE medical & dental work done

@ WORK
You pay for medical insurance that may or may NOT cover the work you need done

@ PRISON
You get time off for good behavior.

@ WORK
You get more work for
good behavior.

@ PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

@ WORK
You must often carry a security card
and open all the doors for yourself.

@ PRISON
You can watch TV and play games.

@ WORK
You could get fired for watching
TV and playing games.

@ PRISON
You get your own toilet.

@ WORK
You have to share the toilet with
some people who pee on the seat.

@ PRISON
They allow your family and friends to visit.

@ WORK
You aren't even supposed to speak
to your family.

@ PRISON
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.

@ WORK
You get to pay all your expenses to go
to work, and they deduct taxes from
your salary to pay for prisoners.

@ PRISON
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.

@ WORK
You spend most of your time wanting
to get out and go inside bars.

@ PRISON
You must deal with sadistic wardens.

@ WORK
They are called managers.

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check e-mails.

[Judy Harder]

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table..
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."                 


After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ..
Followed by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...
Naked.