Humorous Story / Funnies

[Judy Harder]

After a hard rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the water holes.
As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother was running toward them in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she said, as she shook the older boy's shoulders in anger, combined with relief.
"We were just playing church mommy," he said.
"And I was just baptizing him. You know, 'In the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole he goes.'"

[Diane Amberg]

 

[Judy Harder]

Smart



Who says Todays Kids aren't smart ??  (Well, some of them are)

I wish I'd thought of this...

At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats.  1,2,4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

[Wilma]

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underwrold figure who went by the name of 'Artie'.  Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.00.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store.  There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor.

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.  Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.

Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.  Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.......................





(You're going to hate me for this...)








"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT WAL-MART!"

[Diane Amberg]

boo-boo-boo!...

[sixdogsmom]

 

[Jo McDonald]

      Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Ft Myers, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, " Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents." They look at each other, then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?" There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying "That's 40 cents, please" They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Boston," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same." Wow!!!! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "Oh, they're retired teachers. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price." 

[Judy Harder]

Ha Ha Ha

[Judy Harder]

Two Jews, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant.

Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir ... No Mexican Jews."

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you Absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, " I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico ; our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Al asked once again. "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter,


."All we have is ... Orange Jews .. Prune Jews ... Tomato Jews .. Pineapple Jews and Grape Jews."

[Teresa]

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.


Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam.   "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted..  "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.  It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region..

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.  Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience.  I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.   
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?"  They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!