Humorous Story / Funnies

[Teresa]

I thought that this was a hoot! 

[Judy Harder]

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears,


but every once in awhile, you get lucky

and get some ass that brings tears to your eyes.

[Diane Amberg]

 Boo! Judy! Shame, shame.

[Judy Harder]

I almost put this in the political section....It does sound like our slate of hopefulls.??.........but what ya see is what
ya get.....LOL

[Ms Bear]

Diane, I would love to be one of your sisters.  I lost my only sister to cancer 8 years ago and shortly after she died my sister-in-law e-mailed me and told me that now that my sister was gone I should really try to be closer to my brothers because I was the only sister they had left.  I e-mailed her back and reminder her that I was their sister before our sister died.  I am close to my other brother but not the one she was married to.  She died from cancer the same day that my husband died almost 4 years ago and this summer my brother called to say he would like to visit our Mother that has lived with me for the past 6 years but he wouldn't be able to take vacation until Fall and him and his girlfriend were going on a cruise.  I don't know when he plans to visit Mother but since she is 89 he really should give it some thought.

I love this forum, it seems like family time every day when I read the new posts.

[Wilma]

And the cruise is more important than visiting his 89 year old mother?  Bet he cries the hardest at her funeral.

[Ms Bear]

Oh well, he already has her house, he wanted to rent it out after Mother moved to Texas with me and she could continue paying the water, sewer, taxes and insurance and he would keep the rent.  Him and his wife had gotten a joint tenant upon survivorship without her knowing what she was signing and his wife told me she didn't know about it until after it was done, only she had added her name in pen and the rest was printed on the computer.  Mother would have had to had an attorney and go before a judge to get it changed, all he had to have was $10.00 to get it filed at the courthouse after he got Mother to sign it.  Luckily I had a good friend at the bank that let me know what he had done.  I had moved from the town she was living in about 20 years before that but I still had good friends there. We did get him taken off everything else and I now have power of attorney for her.

She is still in fairly good health, doesn't get around really great but is able to go.  Still able to be by herself in the daytime but too trusting.  Here with me she sleeps really good and that was one of her biggest problems when she was by herself, not sleeping at night and very depressed and not getting emotional help after my sister died.  I took a picture of her beside my car at the cemetery at Howard this summer and I would post it but don't know how.

My other brother took her to visit his son in Tennessee last year and she enjoyed it but he said every day she wanted to know when I would be there to pick her up.  I think she is more comfortable with our routine.  I have noticed the last couple of trips we have made to Arkansas she was kind of agitated and nervous so we probably won't be making any more over night trips.

[Wilma]

My mother had Alzheimer's and one of her problems was agitation when taken out of familiar surroundings.  She spent her last years at Howard Twilight Manor and the staff and other residents were her family.  I went to see her but didn't try taking her home with me for anything as she was much more contented at the home.  Being with me didn't mean anything to her.  I think she knew me but couldn't connect me with any part of her life.  She usually thought I was one of her sisters.  This was a sad thing, but we had done everything we could for her and the rest of it was up to the Lord.

As to not going to see someone when they get old, my husband had an aunt that used to say, " If you can't come see me while I am alive don't bother to come to my funeral."  She was in the same home as my mother, so my husband would always visit with her when we were there and continued to stop just to see her after my mother was gone.

[Teresa]

Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's green crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
 
Here are my Christmas wishes:
 
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of  the candy aisle in the grocery store.
 
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
 
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the
crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
 
On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that I can wear that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
 
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
 
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, nor the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it  being served in a Styrofoam container.
 
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare  ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.
 
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.
 
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.
Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,
MOM...!
 
P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

[Teresa]

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpil lars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."