Humorous Story / Funnies

[larryJ]

Good one, Judy!  That was a great way to start the day.

Larryj

[Dee Gee]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach..

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[Judy Harder]

I just had to post this where the Masses would read it. I have a family of guys, dad, brother and nephews who live for golf and I did caddy for dad when  I was a young teen, thought it was a waste of a good day for a hike. (I don't have the eye-hand coordination that is needed for the game....even putt-putt golf is not for me.) Give me a crow-bar and I can tear up ANYTHING.LOL. Enjoy

GOLF, n.

[1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.

[2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.

[3] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.

[4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.

[5] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.

GOLF CART, n.

[1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.

GOLFER, n.

[1] a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five;

[2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

[Jo McDonald]

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'   

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!' 

[Jo McDonald]

A B C D E F G H I J K


A wife asked her husband to describe her .....

He said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K".

She asked, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot".

She said: "Oh, that's so lovely. What about -- I, J, K?"

He said: I'm Just Kidding.....!!!


Room 911 at General Hospital if you want to visit him.

[Ross]

Now that's a hot, going stright to my e-mail people. Thanks.

[Jo McDonald]

Brothers at the Pearly Gates
 

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when three young seedy and suspicious looking  men arrive. He looks out through the gates and says,
"Wait here. I will be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's office and tells Him who is outside the gates waiting to enter.

God says to St. Peter, "How many times do I have to  tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are  loved. All are brothers here. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter  goes back to the Pearly Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.

He returns to God's office and says, "Well, they're  gone."

"Who? The 3 men ?" asked God

"No...the  gates."   

[Judy Harder]

 


HEALTH MESSAGE:
 
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years.
 
AND YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE!
I'm retired, go around me!!

[Teresa]

These are actual comments made by Texas Highway Patrol Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.   They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."


4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?   Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going?   I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.   Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning!   You want a warning?   O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.   Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair?   You want me to be fair?   Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota.   Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.   We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.   So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?   You're right, we don't.   Sign here."   

[Teresa]