Humorous Story / Funnies

[Judy Harder]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[Jo McDonald]

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t o d a y 's   j o k e
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On their way home after celebrating their 25th anniversary, the
wife thanks her husband for a wonderful evening.

"Oh. it's not over yet," says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She
opens it in anticipation and finds two little white pills,

"What in the world are these?"

"Aspirin," he replies.

"But I don't have a headache," says she.

"GOTCHA !!

[Teresa]

While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.'
The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'
The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.'
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need to amputate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!

[Judy Harder]

Queen Elizabeth
and

Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go

before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular

reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of

Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.


Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,

A Royal Flush

Beats a Pair -

No Matter How Big They Are.

                                       




 

[Judy Harder]

 

Mom's Clarinet

My Dad bought my Mom a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" I asked.

"Well," he answered, "because with a clarinet, she can't sing."

[Judy Harder]

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least   a 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'

[Teresa]

Derek sent this to me.. ROTFL~~~

Tools Explained  
DRILL PRESS:    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.  

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.  
It's coupled with a community service project I am working on.  
There is no need to send me a thank you note

[Teresa]

LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME____________________

GANG/CREW NAME_________

1.  Ramon has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip.  He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting.  How many drive-by shootings can Ramon attempt before he has to reload?

2.  Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine.  If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3.  Rufus pimps 3 ho's.  If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4.  Dave wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit.  How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5.  Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4.  If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6.  Richard is in prison for 6 years for murder.  He got $10,000 for the hit.  If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

7.  If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang.  There are 27 girls in his gang.  What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9.  LaSheena is a lookout for the gang.  LaSheena also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat.  If LaSheena makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?

10.  Marvin steals Joe's skateboard.  As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum..  If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

[Judy Harder]

I laughed my head off at these. They are so true....... I stole it and shared it with my address book.

[Judy Harder]

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I know we don't have it this bad. But, I am waving the white flag......just with all the white stuff out there, can it be seen?
LOL
Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler



December 8  6:00 PM

It started to snow.  The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours at the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.  It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.  I love the snow!



December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape.  What a fantastic sight!  Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?  Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!

Shoveled  for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.  I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a perfect life!



December 12

Disappointment!  My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.  I don't think that's possible.  Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.



December 14

Snow, lovely snow!  8 inches last night.  The temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so.  The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.  This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.  I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.  I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.



December 15

20 inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.  Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.  I think that's silly.  We aren't in Alaska, after all.



December 16

Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.



December 17

Still way below freezing.  Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours.  I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.  Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.  Man I hate it when she's right.  I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.



December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the darn stuff last night.  More shoveling!  Took all day.  The snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.  I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.  Might have another shipment
in March.  I think they're lying.  Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.  I think he's lying.



December 22

Bob was right about a while Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably
won't melt till August.  Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to take a leak.  By the time
I got undressed,and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.  Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy.  I think he is lying.



December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today.  And it warmed up to 0.  The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she, nuts?!!  Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.



December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I ever catch the
guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair and beat him to death with my broken shovel.  I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols
with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow driver.



December 25

Merry Christmas!  20 more inches of the white slop tonight – snowed in.  The idea of shoveling makes my blood
boil.  Man, I hate the snow!  Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The wife says I have a bad attitude.  I think she's a stupid idiot.  If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.



December 26

Still snowed in.  Why did I ever move here?  It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.



December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.



December 28

Warmed up to above -20.  Still snowed in.  The old lady is driving me crazy!!!



December 29

10 more inches.  Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.  That's the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb does he think I am?



December 30

Roof caved in.  I beat up the snowplow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for tying to shove the broken snow shovel down his throat.  The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.



December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house.  No more shoveling.


January 8

Feel so good.  I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.  Why am I tied to the bed?

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