Humorous Story / Funnies

[emptynest]

Welfare Check

A guy walked into walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.  He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know I just HATE drawing welfare.  I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy  old man  who wants a chauffeur for his beautiful young daughter.  You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes Benz and he'll supply all your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas trips and you will have to satisfy all of her basic needs included those in the bedroom. You'll be provided a 2 bedroom apartment above the garage and the salary is $200,000 a year.

The guy,wide-eyed, smiled and said, "You're bull-------  me!!"

The social worker said, "Well, yeah, but......you started it!"

[Teresa]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor
who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his
rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh
fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that
does the trick?"

As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman.
How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't' have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in
there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana
peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick."

"Ohhhh," the younger doctor said. "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the
next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a
younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she
once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well; your
diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and
when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

[Teresa]

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs .

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees,  fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

[Teresa]

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and  city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.   And there you are,  Sitting on your rear end...
  At your computer, reading jokes. 
Nice. Real nice.   

[Judy Harder]

Of course it is nice.....when you are retired and tired it works just fine.
Now it is up to you to do the work.........pass the buck is where we are.........from you to me and
back again. Is that a rut of what?...Good one Teresa..

[Teresa]

The very first ever Blond GUY joke....
And well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!
If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to
jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death
as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

[Teresa]

Girls' Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight."
He didn't seem upset at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "I think we need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said: "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh**," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, made this giggling sound.. cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Tobina+1]

14 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

(Although I disagree with #11 completely!  I love birthdays, especially my own!)

[Wilma]

GOD LOVES BLONDES:

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.  Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits.  She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... "God, please help me.  I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well.  Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.  She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery!  I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."  Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.  Once again, she prays...  "My God, why have you forsaken me?  I've lost my business my house, and my car.  My children are starving.  I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."  Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.  The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.....................GO and BUY a ticket."

[Carl Harrod]

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too.
But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all!!
Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a- ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation.
The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.