Humorous Story / Funnies

[Teresa]

I know that this is an old one.. but it is so funny...

Lizard Birth

If you have  raised kids (or been one), and gone through the  pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for  dead Goldfish, the story below will have you  laughing out LOUD!

Overview:  I had to take my son's lizard to the  vet.

Here's what happened:

Just  after dinner one night, my son came up to tell  me there was 'something wrong' with one of the  two Lizards he holds prisoner in his  room.

'He's just lying there looking  sick,' he told me. 'I'm Serious, Dad. Can you  help?'

I put my best lizard-healer  expression on my face and followed him   into his  bedroom.
   One of the little lizards was indeed  lying on his back, looking stressed.. I  immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I  called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh,  my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having  babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But  their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I  was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that  be? I thought we said we didn't want them to  reproduce,' I said accusingly to my  wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do,  post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I  think she actually said this  sarcastically!)

'No, but you were  supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in  my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while  gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and  Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just  a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,'  she informed me (Again with the  sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family  had gathered to see what was going on. I  shrugged, deciding to make the best of  it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous  experience,' I announced. 'We're about to  witness the miracle of birth...'

'Oh,  gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT  just great? What are we going to do with a  litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife  wanted to know.

We peered at the patient.  After much struggling, what looked like a tiny  foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant  second later.

'We don't appear to be  making much progress,' I noted.

'It's  breech,' my wife whispered,  horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son  urged...

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I  reached in and grabbed the foot when it next  appeared, giving it a gentle tug.. it  disappeared. I tried several more times with the  same results.

'Should I call 911?' my  eldest daughter wanted to know.

'Maybe  they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see  a pattern here with the females in my  house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I  said grimly.. We drove to the vet with my son  holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe,  Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't  think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to  him. (Women can be so cruel to their own  young.

I mean what she does to me is one thing,  but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.). 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining  room and peered at the little animal through a  magnifying glass.

'What do you think,  Doc, a C-section?' I suggested  scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,'  he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak  to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped,  nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is  Ernie going to be okay?' my wife  asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured  us.. 'This lizard is not in labor.. In fact,  that isn't EVER going to happen. . .
Ernie is  a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And  occasionally, as they come into maturity, like  most male species, they um . . Um .. . .  Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his  back.' He blushed, glancing at my  wife..

We were silent, absorbing  this.

'So, Ernie's just . Just . . .  Excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly!! The  vet replied , relieved that we understood. 

More silence.. Then my vicious, cruel  wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then  even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I  demanded, knowing, but not believing that the  woman I married would commit the upcoming  affront to my flawless manliness...

Tears  were now running down her face. 'It's just .that  . .I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its.  .. . teeny little . . '
She gasped for more  air to bellow in laughter once  more..

'That's enough,' I warned. We  thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard  and our son back into the car.. He was glad  everything was going to be okay.

'I know  Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,  he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my  wife agreed, collapsing with  laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One  cage: $50.

Trip to the vet:  $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a  lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the  story: Pay attention in biology  class.

Lizards lay eggs! 

[Judy Harder]

A man boarded a plane with six kids. 


After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied,  "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY!

[Jo McDonald]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?.

"No," said the little boy.............

. . ."It's a puppy!"

[Judy Harder]

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church  found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by

curiosity, approached her.
 
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
 
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."
   
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" 

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." 

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" 

"He is a veterinarian," she answered. 

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" 

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '
                     

[Jo McDonald]

An elderly widow and widower had been dating for about five years.  The man finally decided to ask her to marry him.  She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was!  "Was she happy?  I think so; wait, no she looked at me funny..."  After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call.  Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called.  I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was!"
                        **********************

[Judy Harder]

The Outhouse Poem

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

[Jo McDonald]

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blond headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as
the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and
hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blond struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....
'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

[Jo McDonald]

 
The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George . Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high. I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours.  Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied," But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir, this check is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."  
Don't mess with Senior Citizens

[Judy Harder]

LOVE this - Have a great Laugh!



Observations on Growing Older

Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them,

but your grandchildren are perfect.

Going out is good. Coming home is better!

When people say you look "Great." They add "for your age!"

When you needed the discount, you had to pay full price.

Now you get discounts on everything.

Movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

You forget names but it's OK, because other people forgot they knew you!

The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, and now you

have a better chance of losing your keys, than the 15 pounds.

You realize you're never going to be really good at anything, especially golf.

Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

The things you used to care to do, you no longer c are to do,

but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring, than he does in bed.

It's called his "pre-sleep".,

You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married; Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem... were unheard of,

and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

You used to use more 4 letter words; "what?"  "when?"

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he's home by 9:00 P.M.

Next week it will be 8:30 PM

You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless?"

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

Everybody whispers???

Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd find a job!

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet; 2 of which you will never wear.

But old is good in some things: old songs,

old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!

[Jo McDonald]

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through  Holland  ..  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.  'These' she explained, 'Are       the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'  She then asked, 'What do you do in  America  with your old goats?' 

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!