Humorous Story / Funnies

[Diane Amberg]

I have to go get my drivers license renewed soon. I hope I can distract her so she doesn't jump in front of me when they take my photo! For the first time my hair is all gray.

[Judy Harder]

Confucius Says:

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Man who run in

Front of car get tired.

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Man who run behind

Car get exhausted.

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Man with one

Chopstick go hungry.

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Man who scratch butt

Should not bite fingernails.

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Man who eat many

Prunes get good run for money.

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War does not

Determine who is right, war determine who is

Left.

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Wife who put

Husband in doghouse soon find him in

Cathouse.

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Man who drive like

Hell, bound to get there.

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Man who live in

Glass house should change clothes in

Basement.

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Man who fish in

Other man's well often catch crabs.

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Crowded elevator

Smell different to midget.

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Person who deletes this has no humor!!!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Now send it to 1

Or more people.

Nothing bad will

Happen but 1 or more person will be laughing

[Teresa]

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'


BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer.. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story.  His dad read : 'The man named   Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...this particular Sunday sermon.....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

[Diane Amberg]

Ha! These are wonderful!

[Judy Harder]

Blonde Password


During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: 

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento



When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had

to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

[W. Gray]

Yeah, but....., then why did she name a planet [or a pseudo planet]?.........

[W. Gray]

Pluto, the dog, came into being right after fellow Kansan Clyde Tombaugh discovered the planet in 1930. However, his name was Rover through 1931.

A lot of people in the 1930s and 40s believed that the planet was named after the dog.

And others believed it was the other way around.

One of the animators said that the name Rover was too common and they needed to change it: the result was Pluto. This guy has said they were all stoned at the time and no one could remember how they came up with the name.

[Teresa]

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow.  The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.  It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.  So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.  I love snow!



December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.  What a fantastic sight!  Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?  Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!  Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.  I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.  This afternoon the snow plough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow..  Such a disappointment!  My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.  I don't think that's possible.  Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.


December 14
Snow, lovely snow!  8 inches last night.  The temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so.  The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.  This is the life!  The snow plough came back this afternoon and buried everything again.  I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.  I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15
20 inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.  Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.  Stocked the freezer.  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.  I think that's silly.  We aren't in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.  Hurt like hell.  The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.


December 17
Still way below freezing.  Roads are too icy to go anywhere.  Electricity was off for 5 hours.  I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.  Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.  God I hate it when she's right.  I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night.  More shoveling!  Took all day.  The dam snow plough came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.  I think they're lying.  Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.  Might have another shipment in March.  I think they're lying.  Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.  I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August.  Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee.  By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.  Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy.  I think the butt hole is lying.


December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today.  And it warmed up to 0.  The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.  What is she, nuts?!!  Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?  She says she did but I think she's lying.


December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snow plough, I broke the shovel.  Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel.  I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snow plough.


December 25
Merry fricking Christmas!  20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in.  The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.  God, I hate the snow!  Then the snow plough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The wife says I have a bad attitude.  I think she's a fricking idiot.  If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.


December 26
Still snowed in.  Why the hell did I ever move here?  It was all HER idea.  She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.


December 28
Warmed up to above -20.  Still snowed in.  My WIFE is driving me crazy!!!


December 29
10 more inches.  Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.  That's the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb does he think I am?


December 30
Roof caved in.  I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his BUTT.  The wife went home to her mother.  Nine more inches predicted.


December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house.  No more shoveling.


January 8
Feel so good.  I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.  Why am I tied to the bed?

[Varmit]

So who on the road crew have you been talking to??..

[Diane Amberg]

HA, good one.