Humorous Story / Funnies

[dnalexander]

Funny Conservative T-Shirts

T-shirts for my conservative friends on the forum.

David

[Ms Bear]

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time

He said to me.. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . .. . They already have boyfriends.

He said....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . .. A widow.

He said to me . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

[Teresa]

[Judy Harder]

I got this in an email and still laugh everytime I read it! Judy

If you've never had this experience, you might be offended.  If you've had it, you will not be able to stop laughing.  And I cleaned it up a little! 


WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to soil yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.


Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.


Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck.  Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.


Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt.  In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.


There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.  Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.


  I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate,  I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!


Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.  Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
  Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john.  One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Holy Cow'!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.


  Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


  My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.


  Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Those idiots claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Signed,
Walt

[Sarah]

ROTFLMBO!!!!  I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face. 

[Teresa]

Please be careful.
This person has found her way into my house and could
also get into yours.

A very weird thing has happened.

A strange old lady has moved into my
house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from,
or how she got in.   I certainly did not invite her.
All I know is that one day she wasn't there,
and the next day she was.

She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight
for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror I catch a
glimpse of her. And,  whenever I look in the mirror to check my
appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely,
obliterating  my gorgeous face and  body. This is very rude!
I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back.

The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no.
Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket,
or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough.
I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money
from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later,
it's all gone!

I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old
lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spent some of that
money to buy wrinkle cream.

And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to
disappear at an alarming rate-especially the good stuff  like ice cream,
watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds.

I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is
tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games,
like going into my closets when I'm not home and
altering my clothes so they don't fit.

And she messes with files and papers so I can't find anything.
This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me.
She gets into my mail, newspapers and magazines before
I do and blurs the print so I can't read it.

And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my
TV, radio and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things - like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum
heavier and all the knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my
bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.

Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away,
applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars.

She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something
on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it.

She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus she keeps me
from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong.
She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's
license and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of
me.

I hope she never finds out where you live.
I really do!

[Ms Bear]

Either she travels fast or she has a twin because she is in my house too.  Sure wish she would quit hogging the mirror.

[sixdogsmom]

Well, I have tried setting traps by leaving dirty underwear in the floor, dog toys everywhere, and dirty dishes setting hither and yon. It don't work, she still follows me around, tapping me on the shoulder when I need to raise my arm, causing my bladder to cramp at inconvenient times, and leaving her ugly grey hairs in my brush. She has recently taken to snoring when I am trying to sleep on my back. I get all positioned on my pillow like Sleeping Beauty, and she sneaks in and makes an atrotious SQUAWK! Sigh, I thought that I was the only one with this problem, maybe there is an invasion from some weird outer planet, trying to steal our beautiful personnas and replace them with these less than gorgeous old women. Kind of like Invasion Of The Body Snatchers, only this is more like Invasion Of The Old Broad Snatchers.!

[flintauqua]

She has either a brother, or a husband that has recently entered my house a few times.  So far he is content taking inch long hairs and glueing them onto my eyebrows, ears and inside my nose while I sleep.

[sixdogsmom]

Oh yeah, the dreaded Hair Fairy!  I don't even want to discuss it!