Humorous Story / Funnies

[Judy Harder]

A cop stops a car for going faster than the posted speed limit; & asks the man his name.

Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks".

"Just Fred," the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." "I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."


"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing









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[Teresa]

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious
financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and
distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for
$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen
and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious
doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to
himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor
Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the
minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars
stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the
results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last
week?'

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my
sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I
collected on behalf of the church.'

'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. 'You
are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the
Church last week?'

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a
profess ional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and
here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are
truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, 'And Louie, did
you manage to sell any bibles last week?' Louie silently offered the
minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. 'What is this?' the
minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting
that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one
week?'

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in
unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10
times as many bibles as we could.'

'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister! agreed. 'I think you'd
better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.'

Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn--know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure,' he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-bible
-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and
r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'


--
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything.
They just make the best of everything they have!

[Judy Harder]

   
TENNESSEE . . .

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
 
He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the University of Tennessee, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" 

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everything but my earrings."
 
 

ALABAMA . . .

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
 
"Where's Henry?" the others asked. 

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. 

"You left Henry laying out there, and carried the deer back?" they inquired. 

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
 
   

TEXAS . . .   
 
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
 
The Sheriff asked: "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"
 
"Yep", he replied; "that's why I'm dumpin it here . . .  it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."
 


LOUISIANA . . .   

A senior at LSU was overheard saying . . . "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
 
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
 
 

MISSISSIPPI . . . 

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy: "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied: "Did you see who it was?" 

The young man answered: "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number."
 
 

GEORGIA . . . 

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked: "Got any I.D.?" 

The driver replied: "Bout whut?"
 
 

NORTH CAROLINA . . . 

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
 
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. 

The man replied: "I have a flat tire." 

The passerby asked: "But what's with the flowers?"   

The man responded: "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back.  Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither."
 
 

AND THIS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA . . . 

'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North'

[Judy Harder]

Thought y'all should read this in case you're thinking of installing an electric fence!  We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.  To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.  I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.  One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.  Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my testicals trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.  Science says you can crap and  pee, but not at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do both at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.  At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.  At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the gas tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.  So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...  I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.  1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.  2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).  3- Poop, and pee when all mixed together, I not smell as bad as you might think.  4- My left eye will not open.  5- My right eye will not close.  6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.  7- My testicals are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.  8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by passing gas while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)  That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always double check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.  The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[Carl Harrod]

Texas Third grade Test Answers

Miss Sally Edwards is a highly esteemed third grade teacher at Jacksboro Elementary in Texas . In an effort to prepare her students for the all-important TAKS test, she compiled an exam consisting of 20 questions, which she administered to her class last Tuesday. The exam purposely covered a broad array of topics. I call your attention to question # 11, which simply read:

LIST, IN ANY ORDER, THE FOUR SEASONS:
1. ________  2. ________ 3.________  4. ________

Could you possibly imagine that 67% of the students gave the following answer?
         1. DOVE SEASON
         2. DEER SEASON
         3. DUCK SEASON
         4. TURKEY SEASON

[Teresa]

Mt Rushmore from the Backside

[Judy Harder]

Wonder who posed for that???
Good one.

[larryJ]

Having been to Mt. Rushmore, I can assure you that this image is available on postcards in just about every gift shop, even the one at Mt. Rushmore.  I know because I sent one to one of my cousins.

Larryj

[Ms Bear]

And it looks like Teresa has a perfect aim.

[Dee Gee]

I am glad she not aiming at us