Humorous Story / Funnies

[Jo McDonald]

Native American Wisdom...



When told the reason for daylight saving time the old Indian said...

'Only a white man would believe that you could cut
a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the
bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket.'

[Teresa]

Boy howdy if THAT isn't the truth! 

[Teresa]

A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding
gown for her fourth wedding.

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color are you looking for?'

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature is considered more
appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?

Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite
appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'Oh, he was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how
good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

[Teresa]

[Dale Smith]

                   A Couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the
beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.   The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.
 

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?'
 

He hadn't -- and said so.
 

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.'
 

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up & down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.
 

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, Is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.

'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.


'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.

 

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson. '

 

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

 

'Yes ...' he replied -


She sells C cells by the seashore

[sixdogsmom]

  I liked that one Dale!

[Diane Amberg]

Oh,!choke!....

[dnalexander]

Teresa when I would go out picking wild blueberries in Alaska we used to wear bells and I would carry a .357 Mag and have whomever I was with carry my 7mm Mag. Tourist would always ask about the bells and the guns. I would tell them the .357 was for close up in the brush and the 7mm for more open country. Then I would explain if I was attacked close up I would use the .357 to shoot myself during an attack and the 7mm was for my partner to shoot me if I had a chance to run away and the bear was closing in on me. The bells were for my friend to know where to locate my dead body in the dense brush after the bear got done tossing me around.

David

[Jo McDonald]

 
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly
to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long
wait, the E.R. Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face
Sadly he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still  beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried the man's wife, her hands clasped against her
cheeks with shock "We've never had a democrat in the family before!!!"

[Judy Harder]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nursing Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered Edna to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good new and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient I have concluded your act displays you have a sound mind. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he is dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"