Humorous Story / Funnies

[Teresa]

 

[Teresa]

A biker is  riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.  Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull
Her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.   

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the
Nose with  a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back
Letting go of  the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him  endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the  biker, says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do  in my whole life.'

'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt  right.'

'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on  the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do  you have?'

'A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican. '

The  journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first  page:  BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS  HIS LUNCH

[Teresa]

No matter what situations life throws at you...No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem...
Remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel... ! 

[Teresa]

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and immediately fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.  This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

[Teresa]

Old  Matt

I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called  Matt  the computer guy, to come over.
Matt  clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again?"

Matt  grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T

I used to like  Matt .

[Jo McDonald]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are
chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their
men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style,
stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came
back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and
mask. He saw me he said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love
you...then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in
the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask
over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not
say anything.....but we had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay
at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice,
super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work,
opens the door and says: 'Hi Batman, what's for dinner?'

[frawin]

Jo, I love it.
Frank

[Judy Harder]

Oh dear.......I like that. I wonder how long he lived?

[Teresa]

 
AIRPORT TICKET AGENT

A Washington , DC , airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble! These are supposedly true.

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town . I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information. Then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ." Without trying to make her look   stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in Africa ." Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!"

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada ?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?"
I said, "No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT', and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city Code for Fresno , CA is 'FAT' - (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train to Hawaii ?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , Fl. On a commuter plane.
She said, "Yeah, Whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa.
"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and Sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ."
I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
"You don't mean Buffalo , do you?"
The reply "Whatever, I knew it was a big animal."


Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!   

[flo]

scary to think these people are running our country, and you are right, Teresa, it explains a whole lot about the mentality of these people we so trustingly put in office to make decisions "in our best interests".