Humorous Story / Funnies

[Jo McDonald]

                                                                           

Two blond girls were working for the city Public Works Department.       

                                                                           

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and           

fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down         

the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all         

day without rest; one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling         

it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand         

what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed         

by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get         

it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow             

behind and fill it up again?"
                                             


The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it             

probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But         

today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."                       

                                                                           

                                                                           

       

[Diane Amberg]

oh,my! How funny!

[Teresa]

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball,
but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your
chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say,
"Oh, have you got a cat?"
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.'
I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do... Write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look
for them while they deliver the mail?
Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.
Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

[Diane Amberg]

  Good quips. I like all those.    Old age is 25 years older than whatever age you are.

[Teresa]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."

"Well," she said, "would you mind letting me up? I' m starving."

[Teresa]

A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs.

     A female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator, which she did. 

  The man advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the
crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen
if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the
gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up .. so she took them home and ate them herself!


Men are simply not equipped to compete in this kind of stuff. 

[Judy Harder]

That will teach YOU!  Nice laugh out loud Teresa. Thanks.
hugs and God bless

[Teresa]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, but too old to really understand computers to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, enjoy, reflect and remember what these 2 comedians were like.

  If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who' s on First?" might have gone something like this:

  COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

  ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
  COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
  ABBOTT: Mac?
  COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
  ABBOTT: Your computer?
  COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
  ABBOTT: Mac?
  COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
  ABBOTT: What about Windows?
  COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
  ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
  COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
  ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
  COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
  ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
  COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
  ABBOTT: Office.
  COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
  ABBOTT: I just did.
  COSTELLO: You just did what?
  ABBOTT: Recommend something.
  COSTELLO: You recommended something?
  ABBOTT: Yes.
  COSTELLO: For my office?
  ABBOTT: Yes.
  COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
  ABBOTT: Office.
  COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
  ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
  COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I
  Want to type a proposal. What do I need?
  ABBOTT: Word.
  COSTELLO: What word?
  ABBOTT: Word in Office.
  COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
  ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
  COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
  ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
  COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
  ABBOTT: Money.
  COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
  ABBOTT: Money.
  COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
  ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
  COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
  ABBOTT: Money.
  COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
  ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
  COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?How much?
  ABBOTT: One copy.
  COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
  ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
  COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
  ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

  A few days later:
  ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
  COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
  ABBOTT: Click on "START"

[Judy Harder]

TWENTY-NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.  My wife and I divorced over religious differences.
     she  thought she was God and I didn't.
2.  I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.  Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.  I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.  Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.  You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.  Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.  Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.  I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.  Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.
11.  NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.  God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.  The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.  Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.  Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.  Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.  Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.  Procrastinate Now!
19.  I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.  A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.  Stupidity is not a handicap.  Park elsewhere!
23.  They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.  He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.  A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.  Ham and eggs?  A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.  The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.  The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.  I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few ... 

[emptynest]

GAMES TO PLAY WHEN WE ARE OLDER

• Sag, You're It
  Hide and Go Pee
  20 Questions Shouted in Your One Good Ear
  Kick the Bucket
  Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over
  Musical Recliners
  Simon Says Something Incoherent
  Pin the Toupee On the Bald Guy