Chuckles

[Warph]

Got this from an old UGA college chum of mine:


Happy Dicks was a linebacker at Georgia in the mid 60's, which will make
this article about the journalist from Georgia, the late, Lewis Grizzard,
'68, that much funnier.

On the eve of the Georgia - South Carolina game 41 years ago, I was
hanging out with three Sigma Pi brothers (the Hound, Tex , and Bake),
drinking a few cold PBRs at the old Callaway Gardens Apartment on the
Atlanta Highway. We were discussing the upcoming game against the
Gamecocks and lamenting the fact that we were going in with several key
players out with injuries, including our starting DefenseEnd, Billy Payne (who ran
the Atlanta Olympics and is now Ch. of the Board at Augusta National ) and
his roommate, MiddleLineBacker, Happy Dicks.

About 10:00 that night, another fraternity brother, Lewis Grizzard, came
in after he got off work. Our buddy was inactive at the time because he
had gotten married over the summer to his high school sweetheart, Nancy
(the first of many--all with the same name--Plaintiff). In addition to
taking a full load at the University, he was working two jobs to help pay
for (as he called it) "this expensive habit." A talented young man, he was
writing two columns daily - one in the morning for the Athens Banner
Herald and one in the afternoon for the Athens Daily News.

Lewis walked in, went straight to the refrigerator, got a beer, plopped
down in a chair, pushed his glasses back up his nose and announced,
"Gentlemen, with any luck at all, tomorrow morning you'll witness
journalistic history. I have submitted my column and if it gets by my
editor - and there's a good chance of that happening, since he looked
drunk earlier this evening - you'll enjoy the greatest headline in the
history of sports journalism."

He refused to tell us what it was, and to be honest with you, we all
forgot about it. As Lewis went home to his lovely, young bride, the four
of us went back over to the Fraternity house to get a head start on the
weekend.

The next morning, as usual, I went straight for the Sports Section. As I
pulled it out, I could do nothing but smile, because our buddy had pulled
it off. To this day, Vince Dooley calls it his most memorable column ever
- all because of the headline, which read:

DOGS TO PLAY COCKS WITH DICKS OUT.

There's no doubt about it, it was "the greatest headline in the history of
sports journalism."

He was certainly one of a kind....  Grizzard, I mean.

[Judy Harder]

--- Results of recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex..

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen..

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long.  When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you," and make the woo woo sound.

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.  She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.  But not enough to enjoy yourself.
 

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN  --  I have enough problems of my own!

[Judy Harder]

Finally someone that can explain computers
     
You've gotta read this out LOUD...


  Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.
    (Read this to yourself aloud - it's a must!)

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If  your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking  icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the  index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna  crash!

If  the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is  connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to  another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the  hall......

And  your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in  the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out  with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna  hang.

When  the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions cause unwanted risk, then you'll have to flash the  BIOS and you'll want to RAM your ROM, just quickly turn the darn thing off and run to tell your Mom!


Well,  that certainly clears things up for me. How about  you?


Thank  you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our  lives


 
 

[Diane Amberg]

That is magnificent! Has a good beat too as the kids on Band Stand used to say.

[Judy Harder]

Friday, September 24, 2010 


Parenting Test

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the Wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your Bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

[Judy Harder]

Weird Library Reference Questions

All of these situations are real and some of them were mighty embarrassing. Enjoy!

Part 1: Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.

"Do you have books here?"

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids'." (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")

"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")

"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

"I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"

"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."

"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."

"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."

"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."

[Teresa]

My new exercise regime..

[larryJ]

Not so funny, Teresa.  I actually have one of these, given to me by my son and it has proved to be very beneficial and even enlightening.  More importantly, by having two of these, you can sincerely say that you have walked around two blocks twice, ad infinitum.

Larryj

[Teresa]

FOR A GOOD LAUGH......This is for the over 50 generation:

I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating".  You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

[W. Gray]

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time of our divorce.  She received her flying license shortly before our divorce was final.

Last weekend she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Because of bad weather she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee.

It was good that our kids were with me on this weekend.

The National Transportation Safety Board issued a preliminary report citing pilot error. They concluded that she was flying a single engine aircraft in Instrument Flight Rating conditions while only having obtained a Visual Flight Rating.

Luckily there was an absence of a post-crash fire, which was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.

Luckily, also, was that no one on the ground was injured.

This photograph was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.