Chuckles

[Jo McDonald]

Minnesota Luck


Ole, a furniture dealer from up at Brainerd, MN, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.


After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.  To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.  As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.


Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Ole couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.  He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.  After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.  She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.


After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.  They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.  They ordered dinner.... after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.  She nodded, and they got up to dance.  They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.


Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.  To this day, Ole has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business. 

[Judy Harder]

HA HA HA!

What a picture!

[Jo McDonald]

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into DA.....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into DA trailer and I vas driving down DA road... ..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into DA trailer and vas driving her down DA highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran DA stop sign and smacked my truck right in DA side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into DA other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move.  However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans'.  'Shortly after DA accident DA Highway Patrolman, he came to DA scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her'..

'After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween DA eyes.

Den DA Patrolman, he came across DA road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat DA hell vould YOU say?

[Diane Amberg]

Ha! Good one.

[Jo McDonald]

 

  Upon  reaching 65, I decided to retire.  After having me under foot for a few months, my wife became very agitated with me.  She suggested I go and do something to occupy my time, like join a club or get a hobby.  I obliged and went out for a couple of hours.

When I got home my wife asked about my day and I replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys.   

And, oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."

"What?  Are you nuts?  You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" 

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

  "You crazy old coot, where's your glasses!  This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great!  Now what am I going to do?  I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

[Jo McDonald]

SEX AT 82!

I  just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 82!!!      

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at 73.....

so it's not far to walk home afterwards!

[Teresa]

Tom and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every  day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world  problems.
One day Tom didn't show up.  Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.  But after Tom hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.   
However, since the only time they ever  got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Tom lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.   
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Tom,  but one day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! – there sat Tom!   

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said,  'For crying out loud Tom, what in the world happened to you?' 

Tom  replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?!!??!!' cried  Sam. 'What in the world for?'
 
'Well,' Tom  said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.  What about her?'

'Well,  she filed rape charges against me;  and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.....and the bloody judge gave me 30 days for perjury'!!!!!   

[Teresa]

hahahahahaha~~~

[Judy Harder]

GHOST SEX


A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands. 'Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand. 'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied, 'Sheeeiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said Goats.

[Judy Harder]

Arthritis

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"

The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior, snapped, "It's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; drinking too much alcohol; and having a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."