Chuckles

[Warph]

Jeff and Paula are getting ready for bed. Paula is naked standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

"You know Jeff," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my breasts sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and... my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg! My body has just gone to hell in a hand basket!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Jeff studies Paula critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight honey."

[Judy Harder]

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he
could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we
call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red
paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night,
you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.  If she says,
"That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her
with the shovel.'

[Teresa]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the
bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.

It says: "Thank you for the picture.
Change your hairstyle.... it makes your nose look too short."

Love, Grandma

[Judy Harder]

Holy Mail 
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels
and sent the angel to Earth for a time.  When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only
5% are not.  God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time. 

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being
good.'  God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give
them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said   

 
 
Okay,  I was just wondering..... I didn't get one either.     

 
 

[Judy Harder]

A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty dollars' she whispers.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks.  So they hide in the bushes.  They're 'engaged' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.  It is a police officer.

What's going on here people?'  Asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife'.  Bubba answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop. 'I didn't know'.

'Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face.'


 
 

[Judy Harder]

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,

    but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just

    couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it --

    mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that

    was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice 

    to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way

    I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found

    I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't

    have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but

    just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered

      I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance

      Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I

      wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got

      a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because

      it was the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!!

[frawin]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors.   The waiting room was filled with patients.   As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly, and somewhat masculine woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.  He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;   YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
     
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man..   

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,   'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,    BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

"The principle of spending money to be paid by posterity, under the name of funding, is but swindling futurity on a large scale."
--Thomas Jefferson

[Jo McDonald]

Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.


NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.


THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

[larryJ]

 

BIG GROAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

However, did you know that in Durango, CO, there is an old law on the books that requires there to be a church for every bar in town.  When I was there many years ago, there were lots of small churches named----Church of the Holy Ground, Church of the last place to worship, Church of the Pale Horseman----the names are fictitious, but you can get the point.  Most looked abandoned to me as I am sure they don't use that law anymore.

Larryj

[Jo McDonald]

       A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how
to say one thing."


       "What do they say?" the priest asked.


       "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want
to have some fun?'"


       "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution
to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house
and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught
to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop
saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray
and worship."

       "Thank you," said the lady.

       The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's
house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and
praying in their cage.

       The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male
talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do
you want to have some fun?"

       One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams,
Put the beads away--our prayers have been answered!