Chuckles

[Judy Harder]

*Ol' Spot*

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.

When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like many women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."

She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."

He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some.

She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.

Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.

After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."

With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh 
EYE LAUGH

[Teresa]

WHAT  IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by  a class of 8-year-olds) 

Grandparents  are a lady and a man who have no little children of  their own. They like other  people's. 

A  grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a  lady! 

Grandparents  don't have to do anything except be there when we  come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't  play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the  shops and give us money. 

When  they take us for walks, they slow down past things  like pretty leaves and caterpillars. 

They  show us and talk to us about the colors of the  flowers and also why we shouldn't step on  'cracks.' 

They  don't say, 'Hurry up.' 

Usually  grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your  shoes. 

They  wear glasses and funny  underwear. 

They  can take their teeth and gums  out. 

Grandparents  don't have to be smart. 

They  have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God  married?' and 'How come dogs chase  cats?' 

When  they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if  we ask for the same story over  again. 

Everybody  should try to have a grandmother, especially if you  don't have television because they are the only  grownups who like to spend time with  us. 

They  know we should have snack time before bed time, and  they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've  acted bad. 


A  6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA  LIVED. ''OH,''  HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE  WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE  HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE  AIRPORT.'' 

GRANDPA  IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD  THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS  SMART AS HIM! 

It's  funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and  they blame their  dog. 

[pam]

Friend sent me this




These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word
for word, taken down and now published by court reporters
that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.




ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.


ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.


ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.


ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo .


____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.


____________ _______________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.


Can I get a new attorney?
__ __________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.


ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.


____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.


ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.


_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.


_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.


ATTORNEY: And Mr.

Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.


ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.

[Wilma]

 

[Teresa]

Why we love children??
   
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up
and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
   
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The
opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
   
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her
4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle.'
   
4) MORE NUDITY
   
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst
into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years
old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?Yes,' I answered and continued writing the
report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's
right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie
my shoe?'
   
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9
partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he
asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on
my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitab le barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

DRESS-UP
Alittle girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned,
'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.''And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
Whilewalking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his
collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial
should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of
the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of
what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he
goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A   little girl had just finished her first week of school.   'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.
  'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something
fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in
between the pages.   'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

[Teresa]

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . ..

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000..00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.



What?!? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, Feeling Better?

[Jo McDonald]

 


BOY SITTING ON TOILET.


A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. 
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG,
SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.         

THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH
HIS LEFT HAND AND  HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD
WITH HIS RIGHT HAND....

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?  YOU'VE BEEN
IN HERE FOR AWHILE."             

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY'
YET."           

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES...
BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS:
"WORKS FOR  KETCHUP." 
 

[Diane Amberg]

Very cute!

[Teresa]

Here's the newest version - enjoy! 
Hope you have a good laugh...

Answers  given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:


Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out when we were getting born.



How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring..
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.




Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.




What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.




What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?



Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2.. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.



Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.




What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.



What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.



If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3 I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

[Dee Gee]

AVOIDING A TAX AUDIT!

One way to look at it--all a matter of perception!
         
      A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs  to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before  we begin, I'll need to  ask you a few
questions." He gets her name,  address, social security number,  etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a Lady of the  night," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says,  "Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call  girl".

"No, that still won't  work. Try again."
                     
They both think  for a minute;
then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken  farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand  little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it  is."