Chuckles

[Jo McDonald]

 





One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman  who did not whine, nag, or bitch.


  But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

[Catwoman]

ROTFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

[pepelect]

I bet it wasn't an entire day.

[oldmom]

I bet it wasn't an entire day

Truly said by a man!!!

[Judy Harder]

FARM KIDS


A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks
if he has done his chores.


''Not yet,' said the little boy.


His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little
ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.


When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.


He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.


''How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have
any milk in my cereal?' he asks.


''Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't
get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon
for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any
milk.'


Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across
the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You gonna tell
him or should I?''

[Judy Harder]

Here is some important stock market info a friend sent to me, so I thought I'd pass it along...... 

Normally I avoid giving any advice regarding buying or selling of stocks, but I felt this is important enough to share and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another ENRON.Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:American Can, Interstate Water, National Gas Company, Northern Tissue Company.Due to uncertain market conditions, I advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.
You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean.  It's a tough market out there.  Be very careful

[Judy Harder]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.


The husband picks up a case of Budweiser  and puts it in  their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?'  asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24  cans,' he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford  them,' demands the wife,  and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on  along the woman picks up a  $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the  basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'Its my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful,'   replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24  cans of  Budweiser and its half the price.' On the PA system:  'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down'






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[Teresa]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.  They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.  'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm.  I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada 'POOF!  With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.  'POOF!  Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.  Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country.  Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar, smiles and says,

'Fill it with water.'

[Jo McDonald]

I like it !!!!

[Judy Harder]

Update on Cinderella


Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.




Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:



'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly- her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent such fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful ~the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella,
enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
The fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.   


Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned-in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry you had Me neutered...'