Chuckles

[Jo McDonald]

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.  When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

[Judy Harder]

this is for all who have ever had or helped with a colon test. I really believe this guy went through the process!
Enjoy

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed a me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?  Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.  Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.  I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left and  the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and  I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA.  I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.  Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.  I felt excellent.  I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.  I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

[Howell4ever]

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard During the Bush/Obama Meeting

10. You sure you want this job?
9. Actually, sir, I do mind if you call me "Barack-odile Dundee."
8. Let me know if you want the Secret Service to frisk you for fun.
7. I appreciate the offer, but you can take the spittoons with you.
6. Honest opinion: would it be a mistake to pardon Amy Winehouse?
5. Is that Roger Clinton sleeping on the sofa?
4. The red phone is for talking to world leaders, the blue phone is for ordering Domino's.
3. When there's a big crisis, you might be here as late as 4 pm.
2. Other than the economy, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, the deficit, the crumbling  infrastructure, our energy policy, Gitmo
and global warming, is there anything else I need to fix?
1. When can you start?

[Howell4ever]

TOP TEN Excuses - If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
  9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

  8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got here just in time!"

  7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

  6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

  5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

  4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

  3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

  2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
  1. " ...... AMEN!"


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[Howell4ever]

License plates                      Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be ... ?

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

I'm just driving this way to get you mad.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

Hang up and drive.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?     

[Teresa]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
Playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" The bird's' vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.  John shook his finger at the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.  John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" 

[Judy Harder]

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)


(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blond e jokes!)

And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!

One for the ladies:
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma.'
And they say blondes are dumb..
--------------------------
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

-------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men
------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

[Carl Harrod]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again,while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'...

[Judy Harder]

That is funny Carl.....thank you for the giggle this morning.

I needed it.
My Holiday blues are crashing down on me and just about to swamp me.......so I look for all the comfort I can find.
God Bless

[Teresa]

  I'll pass that one Carl... LOL