Chuckles

[Carl Harrod]

Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
' Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Dale Smith]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE 

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she  doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel ...
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these  items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in  any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and  funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about  dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[Catwoman]

Dale, you appear to know WAY too much about women!  And, here we women thought that our secrets were safe! lol

[Judy Harder]

Quick Check for Alzheimer's

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.



Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down
and I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on.

[Dale Smith]

Thanks Judy, that was too funny.  And it worked!  (At least twice, that I know of.     )

[Jo McDonald]

     Don't Mess With Texas

Two New York businessmen off Broadway were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I'll bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by,
put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Texan
walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick drawl asked 'What're you fellers
sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Texan said, 'You're doing right well .. only two left!'

Yankees -  (God bless them )  - should not mess with Texans.














.

[frawin]

Jody, I love it, what a great way to start the day. You and Fred have a great one.
Frank

[Jo McDonald]

He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

       

[Judy Harder]

Ever wondered what happens when
Hallmark writers are having a bad day........ 

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
   Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.


  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years

That we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'


   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.


   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you,

Have such an ugly baby?


  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
Someone to hold,

Someone to love.

After having met you ...

I've changed my mind.


-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.


   //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.


  ####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.


********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost lifelike!


  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.


   //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ...

let's say we stop?


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I'm so miserable without you,

it's almost like you're here.


=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bund Le of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do

Something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.


))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
And it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay

[Teresa]

Only great minds can read this ..( I could read it fast and just fine) 

This is weird, but interesting!


fi yuo cna raed t ihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.



i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it doesn't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny
iproamtnt tihng is ta ht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The
rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is
bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!