Chuckles

[Wilma]

First daughter tells me that the professional bull riders suspect that the bulls are using steroids.  So the bulls are going to be given blood and urine tests.  My only question is, who is going to hold the bottle?

[Carl Harrod]

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a Grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
   As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the back hoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
   I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul.. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory." I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
   As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[Mom70x7]

Pick any two teams that are natural rivals - this is funny.


A man goes to the Chicago Bear ticket office and inquires about purchasing play-off tickets.

The ticket teller replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

The following day the same man goes to the Chicago Bear ticket office and inquires about purchasing Bear play-off tickets.

The ticket teller politely replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

This goes on for an entire week. The man goes to the Bear ticket office inquiring about play-off tickets and the teller says none are for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

Another week of this goes by and the man still is asking the ticket teller about Bear play-off tickets. Finally the ticket teller in a loud voice says, I'VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS, THERE ARE NOT ANY TICKETS AVAILABLE BECAUSE THE BEARS DID NOT MAKE THE PLAY-OFFS.

The man replied, "I know. I drive all the way here from Green Bay just to hear you say that!"

      

[Jo McDonald]

While shopping in a food
store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One
asked the other if she would like a beer.


The second nun answered that,
indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel
uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she
would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took
it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair." Without
blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package
of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

"The curlers are on me."

[Diane Amberg]

A man was dissapointed with his cheap wife when he asked her to buy some cigarettes for him while she was at the store. She brought him a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. A few days later the man was heading to the store when his wife asked him to pick up something for her. He brought her a bag of cotton and some string. Do you know what she had asked for?

[T. Sackett]

Should Children Witness Childbirth??

Good Question!

Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.  The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr. old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.  Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.  The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.  Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly respoinded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.......smack his a$$ again!"

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

[Jo McDonald]

Driving With Dad

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.

'Well,' the father asked, 'did you enjoy your ride with mommy?'

'Oh yes, Daddy' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!'

[DanCookson]

Anonymous Author.......

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands and buy my wife some   
jewelry.. I went into the local                                           
Jewelry store . I was only there for about 5 minutes.                     
When I came out, there was this  cop writing out a parking ticket.       
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?' 
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.  His insensitivity       
Annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'                                     
He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. 
So I proceeded to call him 'doughnut eating Gestapo.'                     
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
                                                                           
Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.           
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more 
Tickets he wrote.                                                         
Personally, I didn't really care.  I came downtown on the bus.           
The car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper       
Stickers that said, 'Obama in '08'.                                       
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.  The doctor     
Tells me that it's important to my health.

[frawin]

Dan, I love it, I need to watch for the opportunity to do that. Problem is I have never seen an OBAMA bumper sticker in Bartlesville.

[Teresa]

Yup, Sho'Nuff, It'S A-Comin'!!!

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in El Paso, Texas, while awaiting their respective flights. One is an American Indian from Lame Deer, Montana; another is a Texas cowboy on his way to Dallas for a livestock show; and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student,newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward. "Once my people were few,"he sneers,"and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl: "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'