Chuckles

[Jo McDonald]

WHITE LIE CAKE

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this,
especially all of those who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies'
group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered the morning of the bake sale & after rummaging through
cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying
her hair, dressing, & helping her son pack for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and
the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, 'Oh dear, there is not
time to bake another cake.'
This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at
her new church & in her new community of friends. So, being inventive,
she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the
cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it
in & covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look
beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church & head for
work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda & gave her some money & specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 & to
buy the cake & bring it home.

When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake
had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone & called her Mom.

Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know!
What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, &
ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people
pointing fingers at her & talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about
the cake & would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of
a fellow church member & try to have a good time.

Alice did not want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more
than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single
parent & not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa . But, having
already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South
&, to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, But
before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, 'what a
beautiful cake!'

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess
(who was a prominent church member) say, 'Thank you, I baked it
myself.'

Alice smiled and thought to herself, 'God is good.'

[Judy Harder]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are T ickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[Jo McDonald]

 
The Maid asked for a raise:

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'

Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.
Madam: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'The Master said so.'
Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Madam: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?'

Maria: 'The Master did.'
Madam: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Madam (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?'



Maria: 'No Madam, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..! 

[Carl Harrod]

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked,"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady."Mrs. Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied."Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

[Wilma]

 

[Diane Amberg]

Grandma Dessie lived to 104, I guess she could have said the same thing.

[Diane Amberg]

One little boy at the fire house Christmas party last Sunday was messing around with a large piece of candy cane in his mouth. When I asked what he was doing, he told me he was trying to rub the candy cane acoss his teeth so they would be striped too.

[larryJ]

I'm am up way too early today so I took the time to read all the chuckles!  Let me add a couple that I can remember.

A man going through a "midlife crisis" goes out and buys a new sports car.  He takes it onto the freeway to see what it can do.  He speeds up to eighty miles per hour and then to 100, and then to 120.  At that point he thinks to himself how foolish he is to be driving so fast and begins to slow down.  In the meantime, a state trooper sees him speeding and pulls him over.  The trooper walks up to the car and tells the man, "Sir, it is Friday and I go off duty in fifteen minutes.  If you can give me an excuse for speeding that I haven't heard before I won't write you a ticket."  The man looks at the trooper for a minute and says, "son, my wife ran off with a state trooper many years ago and I thought you were bringing her back."  The trooper says, "have a nice day, sir".


Or-----

An elderly couple were concerned with their increasing short term memory loss, so they went to the Doctor.  He told them that there was no "magic bullet" pill that could help them.  The Doctor suggested that when they wanted to remember somrthing, to write it down to refresh their memory later.  That night they were watching TV and the old man got up from his chair.  His wife asked him where he was going and he told her that he was going to the kitchen for some ice cream.  She asked him to bring her some and put some caramel topping and nuts on it.  Then she told him to write it down so he wouldn't forget.  He told her that something as simple as that didn't need to be written down.  About twenty minutes later he brings her a plate with scrambled eggs and bacon.  She looks at him and says------"AHA!  I knew you would forget the toast"!!!!!


I am still typing with one hand so forgive me for any mistakes I didn't catch.

[Wilma]

You are doing very well with only one hand.  Better than a lot of people.  Believe me, if you make a mistake, I will see it.  There aren't nearly as many errors in your post that could be expected under the circumstances so I am not going to point them out.  If anybody else wants to find them, they will have to do so on their own.  And you wouldn't believe how many mistakes I had to go back and correct in this posting.

[Carl Harrod]

THESE ARE QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS SCIENCE EXAMS--

"Water is composed of two gins. Oxygen and hydrogin. Oxygen is pure gin. Hydrogen is gin and water"

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire"

"three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars"

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other"

"The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is deader"

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to a cow instead of the bull"

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places, so they look like umbrellas"

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot"

"Vacuum: A large empty space where the pope lives"

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose"

"To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow"

"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial prespiration"

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium"

"For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead"

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German"

"Liter: A nest of young puppies"

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest. if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor"