Chuckles

[Carl Harrod]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = Hell no.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
You're so .... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.

[Judy Harder]

The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in  Nebraska for $200. They brought the cow from  Nebraska and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it.
They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Nebraska ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said, "How did you know we got the cow in Nebraska ?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from  Nebraska too."

[Teresa]

[W. Gray]

Definition of a bed:

A workbench where tricycle motors are made.

[Kjell H.]

A man died and went to Heaven.  As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "Why are all those clocks here?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.  Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh," replied the man, "very interesting . . whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's clock," answered St. Peter.  "The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man.  "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. 
The hands have moved only twice, telling us that Abe has told only two lies in his entire Life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office.  He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Teresa]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns


Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.   I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making passionate love to her.  I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.   When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs Sheila Usk



Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

[Judy Harder]

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother
what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get
a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
    I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
           
                      Your friend,
                      Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true.  She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.



LETTER 2:
Dear God:
   This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I wouldlike a red bike for my birthday.
                  Thank you,
                  Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.



LETTER 3:
Dear God:

  I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
                  Thank you,
                  Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset.  She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter
to God.



LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

              Signed,
              YOU KNOW WHO  

[Teresa]

 

[Carl Harrod]

Wisdom from Grandpa .....
   Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
   Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earn'n his salt that he forgets his sugar.
   Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
   When a man marries a woman, they become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
   If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
   On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
   A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
   Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
   Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
   How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
   You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
   Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

[Diane Amberg]

So funny and so true!  This whole thread is SO funny!  Ya can't stay in a bad mood if you hunt up some of these!  Keep 'em comin' friends.