Chuckles

[Jo McDonald]

 

Einstein's birthday

March 19 was Einstein's birthday. He would have been 128.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.



 
 

[Diane Amberg]

   Ahem!

[Teresa]

Ohhhh Mama.........................................

[Judy Harder]

FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports 
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug 
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it 
and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back 
saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop!

[Judy Harder]

Hi all, just wanted to send you a little invite to
join me and see if you feel the same way I feel, if so
we're all a little Red Neck and should be proud of it.
A True Redneck - this isn't your typical redneck joke that you see so many of but more of a tribute to values, decency and love of country. Please read on:



We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, country, and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya' are...

You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."

You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

You might be a redneck if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays.

You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

You might be a redneck if: You treat all veterans with great respect, and always have.

You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an American flag.

You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend..

If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.

God Bless the USA !

May the LORD bless you & yours..............

[Carl Harrod]

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
7:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Flowers! My favorite!
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


Excerpts From a Cat's Diary:
Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from flexing my claws on the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded.
NOTE: must try this again at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware
of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies."
NOTE: Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time

[Teresa]

 
Ohhhhhh  how so very true... ha ha ha ha

[Diane Amberg]

I don't have a dog right now, but the writer must have interviewed my old cat. It fts him perfectly.

[Teresa]

Cannibal Restaurant

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
'Why such a price difference for the Politician?'

The cook replied,
'Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of sh**, it takes all morning.'

[Diane Amberg]

Now you're talkin'