Chuckles

[Judy Harder]

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."



A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."


A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."



The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington where she will become President, and then half the country will be out lookin g for work in one week." 

[Ole Granny]

 

[Judy Harder]

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.


At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
 

[Diane Amberg]

Teresa, that joke was really the last straw.

[Judy Harder]

There will be no Nativity Scene in the United State Congress, This year !
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been  able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable

[Diane Amberg]

Oh boo, Judy....that is so bad!

[Roma Jean Turner]

    I love it Judy. I'll be passing this one on. 

[Carl Harrod]

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something that you'd like to have dinner with."

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. So who's running lights?

The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too!

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night... Then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.

Sex is a three-letter word, which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

A friend in need... Can be a real pain in the ass.

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks; By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

I will never put off 'till tomorrow what I can forget about forever.

Diplomacy is that art of saying "nice doggie!"... Till you can find a rock.

It is a shame stupidity isn't painful.

Hire teenagers while they still know everything!

Happiness is an automatic weapon with a belt feed.

Fishing: a jerk on the end of a line... waiting for a jerk on the end of a line.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Thank you for not breeding.

So many stupid people, so few comets.

The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

You can't drink all day long if you don't start first thing in the morning!

I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

Character is what you are.  Reputation is what people think you are.

Oh, wait, sorry, I didn't mean to look interested.

Ya know what, it really don't matter if I win or lose, just as long as I piss you off in the process.

[Judy Harder]

Ya know what, it really don't matter if I win or lose, just as long as I piss you off in the process My favorite one. Good job......LOL.

For some strange reason I almost always keep my foot in my mouth............and what is sad is a lot of the time
I really don't know how I did that?? keep them coming Carl
Hugs and God bless

[Judy Harder]

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called the 'Help Hotline'. The call went through to a 'call center' in Pakistan .

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane....