Chuckles

[Carl Harrod]

Hilarious Quotes

It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?

Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!

Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

If you can't say anything nice... come sit by us.

Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

If you  must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

[Dee Gee]

  A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his Order. He said,  "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair Of running  boards."  The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to  appear Stupid, went to the Kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy  out there just Ordered three flat Tires, a pair of headlights and a  pair of running Boards. What does he think This place is ... An auto  parts store?"  "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three Pancakes, a pair of Headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running Boards are 2 slices of Crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a Moment and
  then Spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the Customer.
  The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the Flat tires, headlights And  running boards, you might as well gas up!"

[emptynest]

Bob and the Blonde

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 p.m.  He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared at the TV.

The 10:00 news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building threatening to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,  "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "Ya know, I think he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Yeah?  Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building , falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair.  Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and I knew he was going to jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

[Carl Harrod]

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult...I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is...Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"

[Judy Harder]

"
Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree
Discussing things as they're said to be;
Said one to the others "Now listen, you two;
There's a certain rumor that can't be true
That man descended from our noble race.
That very idea is a disgrace.
No Monkey ever deserted his wife
Starved her babies or ruined her life,
And another thing you will never see
A monkey build a fence around a coconut tree
And let the coconuts go to waste,
Forbidding all other monkeys to taste.
Here's another thing a monkey won't do,
Go out at night and get on a stew,
And use a gun or club or knife
To take some other monkey's life.
Yes, man descended, the onery cuss--
But, brother, he didn't descend from us.
Author Unknown

[Teresa]

THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN:

Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms   your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. ______________________________________________________

Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing   didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
______________________________________________________

The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the   ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________

Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing..
____________________________________________________

Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go   home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor,   you squirt it off with some   juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________

Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________________________

Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd ba by: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________

Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________

At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

===========================================

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital   and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

[Jo McDonald]

 Was I Adopted?

After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or
brother, Mark finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said, as she started to cry softly. "But,
it didn't work out and they brought you back."

[Jo McDonald]

 
 


Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife: "Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for  an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
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Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
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Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet.
Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Stress Reliever:
Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

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Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
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Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it.  He wants to scare his parents."
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."


 
   












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[Dee Gee]

Sounds like a lot husbands are going to be sleeping on the divan.

[Teresa]

Two brooms were  hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each  other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom  was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.   

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white  dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The  wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding  dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,  'I think I  am going to have a little whisk broom!'   


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom. 

'WE  HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

Oh  for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.