Chuckles

[emptynest]

Eleven people were hanging onto a rope under a helicopter,  ten men and one woman.  The rope was strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.  She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband, her kids, her job, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

[Teresa]

And the woman lived happily ever after.

[emptynest]

Yep, she sure enough did.

[Carl Harrod]

Dads
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their dads.
The first boy says, "My Dad writes a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "Oh yeah? My Dad writes a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "Well, my Dad writes a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon...and it takes four people to collect all the money!"

[Teresa]

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. *I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

[Carl Harrod]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?," she asked.
"Hunting Flies," he responded.
"Killing any?," she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

[patyrn]

1.  Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.  The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2.  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

3.  Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little which made him rather frail.  With his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him--------"a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis".

4.  A jumper cable walks into a bar.  The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

5. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 

"But why?" they asked as they moved away. 

"Because,", he stated, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer".

[Dee Gee]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[Teresa]

 

[Carl Harrod]

The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Harry: Coconut
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Harry: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. (Principal was looking restless and bit tense.)
Harry: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement? Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."