FAUX NEWS & SATIRE

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Let's face it, folks, the news can be depressing.  Try Faux News websites, an enchanting place where you don't have to lock your doors at night and the world seems like a much better place.

Yup, there are plenty of positive events going on, but where would you go if you needed a break from what the mainstream media covers and just have a good laugh?

Enter the world of fake news and satire.  It's a place where fact checking isn't needed and things like journalistic ethics and standards, objectivity, and values are simply discouraged.

If you are like me, then you are sick and tired of all the negative news being thrown at you by the mainstream media outlets.  Pick any major online news outlet and you will find the majority of items are about the ever sinking economy, Iraq or someone's unfortunate death.

Some might argue that reading about people who have it worse can make you feel better about yourself, but I really do not think that is true.

I recently spent one week forcing myself to only get my news from positive news network sites.  Believe it or not, there are lots of them out there.  Instead of performing my morning work ritual of "catching up" with the world by looking at the big media news outlets, each day I would challenge myself to find a positive news website that "inspired me".

By the end of the week, I was noticeably brighter and more optimistic.  My family and a few friends remarked on it.  They were curious to know what I might be taking.

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God Realizes He Forgot To Put Souls In Humans

THE HEAVENS—While pacing across His Eternal Kingdom on Friday, the Lord God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, suddenly realized He had forgotten to provide human beings with souls, sources from on high reported.  "I could have sworn I put souls in there, but apparently it never happened—I hope no one's noticed," said God, adding that it was probably too late to imbue mankind with an immortal spiritual essence now that billions of humans had already gone out the door.  "I certainly meant to.  Maybe I got sidetracked working on all the hands and feet and everything and just never came back to their souls.  I created a whole bunch of other stuff that day, so who knows?"  God later admitted He should have known He had forgotten something when, believing there was no more work to do, He was able to take the seventh day off entirely.

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Pantsuit Hillary Clinton Hints At Presidential Ambitions By Concealing Information From American People

WASHINGTON—Fueling further speculation this week that she has her sights set on the Oval Office, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is said to have hinted at her presidential ambitions by concealing a vast trove of information from the American people.  "By using a personal email account to keep records out of the hands of investigators and the U.S. populace, Clinton is making it resoundingly clear that she has presidential aspirations," said political analyst Stuart Rothenberg, adding that Clinton's efforts to obfuscate basic facts and hide thousands of documents from taxpayers for years on end demonstrate her capacity to successfully perform the duties of the commander-in-chief.  "Clinton is showing voters that she's ready and willing to circumvent regulations in order to keep Americans in the dark on important issues and prevent anyone from uncovering potentially incriminating evidence.  This is definitely her most unambiguous declaration of her intentions at a presidential run."  Rothenberg added that Clinton's flimsy justifications for her actions and her efforts to deflect blame further prove that she will handily win the Democratic nomination in 2016.

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Urban Polling Centers Recommend Voters
Start Lining Up Now For 2016 Election

WASHINGTON—  In an effort to aid and inform local residents ahead of next year's presidential election, officials at urban polling centers across the nation recommended Thursday that those intending to cast ballots in 2016 should begin lining up now. "Most polling locations will close at 7 p.m. on Tuesday, November 8, 2016, so in order to ensure you have enough time to cast your vote, we suggest looking up your precinct online and planning to arrive sometime in the next few minutes," Federal Election Commission spokesperson Judith Ingram said in a statement, noting that voters should be prepared for lines at inner-city polling locations that may back up as many as 12,000 or 13,000 hours. "If possible, we suggest notifying your employer that you need to take some months off from your job, or arrange to leave early from work this afternoon and return after the election is over." Officials added that those urban residents unable to vote in person should file an absentee ballot every week for the next 18 months in case the first few dozen become lost in the mail.

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Harrison Ford crashes Millennium Falcon

Star Wars Report - A report was issued by the Transportation Safety Board about the crash of the "Millennium Falcon," a small plane flown by Harrison Ford that crashed and sent him to the hospital.

The short report, obtained by FarceMagazine.com, recounts the events last that led to Ford crash landing his vintage airplane named "Millennium Falcon" on a Santa Monica golf course.

Shortly after taking off, the plane's engine failed and Ford requested permission to return to the airport. "I'm captain of the Millennium Falcon, about 800 feet from the runway, the ship struck a tree, Need Help Fast!"

As heard on a cockpit recording device, seconds before the crash, he pulled back on the plane screaming, "Quick! Quick! Quick! Help Me! Chewy get me a wrench, I think she's going!"

He was forced to make an emergency landing on a golf course nearby.

"You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?  It's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs," rambled Ford as he was taken away in an ambulance.

Harrison Ford has had a turbulent history of flying and the report does not provide any reason why Ford's plane engine would have failed.

The plane was taken to a "secure location" for further examination.

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Harrison Ford crushed by defective Millenium Falcon,
sues movie studio 'for an arm and a leg'

Pinewood Studios, UK - "At first glance it looked like a bit of attention seeking drama queenery," a Spinewood Studios gaffer said today, "considering he'd just been given the classic thespian good luck greeting of Break A Leg! by fellow actors."

The Hollywood star was rushed by air ambulance to a specialist fracture clinic after a chunk of falling Millenium Falcon flattened his ankle on the new Star Wars movie set.

Tonight Han Solo actor Harrison Ford was said to be comfortable post surgery having spoken to his LA lawyers about compensation and stuff.

An unofficial sliding scale of injury restitution payments used by the movie industry typically starts at five million dollars for a sprained index finger, rising to twenty five million for each broken bone.

Broken tibia, fibula and
medial malleolus should
work out at around $50m

That could mean Ford's broken ankle - including any metatarsal complications - could cost the movie's insurers an arm and a leg.

Studio bosses meanwhile rescheduled the week's shooting at the Hertfordshire set as emergency script writers were parachuted in to rewrite the Han Solo role to include a plaster cast on Ford's leg.

Star Wars: Psychotic Episode VII began filming in mid-May and will be the first - maybe even last! - Star Wars title released by Disney.

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What Is A Super PAC?

The result of two controversial 2010 federal court cases removing traditional restrictions on political action committee spending, super PACs are expected to have a significant influence on the results of the 2016 elections.

Here is everything you need to know about super PACs:

Q: What is a political action committee?
A: A PAC is a living, breathing organism that is capable of swallowing hundreds of millions of dollars and giving birth to a single American leader.

Q: What is the purpose of super PACs?
A: To counteract the excessive influence ordinary voters exert on U.S. elections.

Q: Who can contribute to a super PAC?
A: Any entity ranging in size from a small packaged foods conglomerate to a giant telecommunications conglomerate.

Q: Is there a limit to the amount of money that can be donated to a political action committee?
A: Donations are strictly limited to the amount of money the donor possesses.

Q: What do super PACs spend their money on?
A: Selflessly ensuring that voters are as informed as possible about why Assemblyman Michael Evans is the wrong choice for Albany.

Q: Isn't it true that super PACs drown out the voices of everyday Americans with their narrow, self-serving messages, effectively crippling the democratic process and reinforcing a vicious cycle in which all politicians are beholden to multimillionaires and merely feign interest in the working and middle classes in a cynical attempt to clinch their election and advance the interests of the country's moneyed elite, further dividing a crumbling nation already hopelessly mired in inequality?
A: No.

Q: What is the difference between a PAC and a super PAC?
A: A one-vote margin in the Supreme Court.

Q: How much does the average super PAC spend?
A: There's no reason to ruin the rest of your afternoon learning this.

Q: What are some of the more influential super PACs?
A: Americans for America, Bucks for Bernie, Appetite for Destruction.

Q: How can I donate to a super PAC?
A: Don't worry, they're not for you.

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Candidate Profile: Mike Huckabee

Former Arkansas governor and Fox News personality Mike Huckabee announced his 2016 presidential candidacy Tuesday, becoming the sixth Republican hopeful to officially enter the race. Here's what you need to know about Huckabee:

•Born: August 24, 1955

•Born Again: September 15, 1982

•Voter Base: Future Scott Walker supporters

•Concept Of Hellfire Plays Role In Worldview: Yes

•Slogan: "Mike Huckabee? Sure, okay."

•Campaign Promise: Shore up Social Security to ensure it lasts until End Times

•Political Advantage: Most likable candidate by default

•Central Beliefs: Believes homosexuality is a choice; considers abortion akin to slavery; wants to bring common sense back to America

•Biggest Strength: Last name has optimal number of syllables for chanting

•Political Experience: Knows what it's like to quietly fade away on big stage

•Tour Bus: To-scale replica of Noah's Ark

•Campaign Goal: Strengthen salary negotiating position with Fox News

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Who Is Ben Carson?

Retired neurosurgeon and rising conservative star Ben Carson announced his bid for the presidency May 4th, the first African-American candidate of either major political party to do so.  Here's what you need to know about the Republican candidate:

•Preferred Title: Dr. President Carson

•Birthplace: Successfully overcome

•Biggest Political Liability: Has admitted to cutting people's bodies open with scalpel

•Minority Appeal: You would think so, but no

•First Thing He Does Each Morning: Decides whether to be gay or straight for next 24 hours

•Likely Placement In Primary Debates: Halfway in frame on right side of screen

•Nightmare: Getting arms, legs entangled in huge social safety net

•Special Ability: Can flatten taxes with bare hands

•Fun Fact: It technically possible that this individual might be president someday

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Who Is Carly Fiorina?

Carly Fiorina, a former Silicon Valley executive, announced Monday her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, becoming the first female Republican hopeful to officially launch a campaign. Here's what you should know about Fiorina:
•Alter Ego: Sally Cyber

•Adds Diversity To GOP Field: In a sense

•Previous Job: Computer at Hewlett-Packard

•Presidential Ambition: To lay off 30 percent of Americans

•Biggest Asset: Will remain Washington outsider for remainder of life

•Inspirational Background Story: Sought ways to optimize technology systems and increase consumer awareness of Hewlett-Packard

•Time Left To Soften Edges: Not much

•Forbes Lists: "Most Powerful Women" (51), "Women In Tech" (21), "Ultimate Sandwich Lovers" (5)

•Didn't Always Make Most Popular Choices At HP, But Made The Right Ones?: Absolutely

•Guilty Pleasure: Analyzing systems to eliminate redundancies

•Voter Appeal: Fills rare role of business executive who also has political aspirations

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Who Is Bernie Sanders?


Independent Vermont senator and self-proclaimed "democratic socialist" Bernie Sanders officially declared his candidacy in the 2016 election Thursday. Here's what you need to know about the presidential hopeful:

•Given name: Bernice

•Nickname: The Vermont Bonecrusher

•Media Strategy: Name plastered all over countless rejected Senate bills

•Biggest Political Liability: Completely out of touch with the average American corporation

•Campaign Promises: Let's not get ahead of ourselves here

•Key Endorsements: Burlington Free Press; Brattleboro Reformer; Vermonters for Schools and Community

•Campaign Slogan: "One percent of this country owns 38 percent of the wealth. The bottom 60 percent owns 2.3 percent. We are essentially living in an oligarchy, one that is headed for the edge of the cliff if we do not address the social and economic inequalities that are propelling this downward spiral. How can we ever expect to reclaim the respect and support of the international community when we are starting wars in the name of democracy? When in our own country we are handing out $285 million-dollar severance packages while millions of Americans, even with the Affordable Care Act, remained uninsured? I'm telling you, the warning signs are here, and we must act. My name is Bernie Sanders."

•Previous Occupation: CEO of Altria

•Potential Forthcoming Signature Ben & Jerry's Flavor: 'Corporaisins Are Not Pecan-ple' Crunch; Single-Payer Heath-Care; Undelectable Candydate

•Daily Workout Routine: 180 lbs. deadlift (3 sets x 10 reps); 160 lbs. shoulder press (3 sets x 10 reps); 90 lbs. bicep curls (5 sets each arm x 12 reps); 110 lbs. skullcrusher (2 sets x 10 reps); 320 lbs. bench press (2 sets x 8 reps)

•Campaign Donations: Non-refundable

•Vermont Public Radio Show: Power Of Darkness Bernie Sanders Metal Hour

•Dangerously Radical Fringe Views: Reform Wall Street, avoid costly and ineffective conflicts in Middle East, help working families prosper

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A Review: Secrety True Secrets of the Bible's Other Secrets

Posted on November 16, 2013   
by Anthony Sacramone

So the History Channel is blowing the lid off Christianity. Again. Bible Secrets Revealed debuted last Wednesday and already churches are closing worldwide and Christians are throwing themselves off living room furniture.

Did you know that Paul never met Jesus in the flesh? IT'S TRUE! Did you know the Gospels are not signed? IT's TRUE! Did you know that there is a discrepancy in the Markan ending? IT'S TRUE!

Well, as if the History Channel's blockbuster wasn't already making atheists left and left, wait till you see what the Golf Channel has in store!

The Secrety True Secrets of the Bible's Other Secrets is set to air Christmas morning, just in time to ruin your kids' holiday!

We at Strange Herring spare no expense ($11) to uncover the coverable. Our crack team of investigo-journalistas are working 24/7 (6/4) to bring you revealing revelations that expose stuff that otherwise would be hidden.

A transcript of the Golf Channel's program has been provided to us. That transcript includes a reenactment of the contents of a recently discovered codex which is a copy of a papyrus that was once an oral tradition transmitted in the buttocks of an certified public accountant. It describes in lurid detail how the original followers of Jesus conspired to create the Jesus myth that finally made its way into the New Testament documents. So, before the Golf Channel has a chance to ruin your life, we thought we'd take a shot.

Here, translated into English from the original Swedish, is an unverifiably authentic copy of a thing that is realer than anything in the Bible. Be prepared to have your mind blown or at least to sneeze very hard.

(Gathered in the Upper Room of the Hotel de Orangerie Hotel are Peter, James, John, Andrew, Bartholomew, Thomas, Judas, Paul, Timothy, and various other hangers-on who never amounted to much in church history.)

PETER: Well, you all know why we're here. Our hope of finally being rid of the Roman yoke, of reestablishing the Davidic Kingdom, of restoring past Hebrew greatness, has all turned to corn. Now, I don't want to play the blame game—

JOHN (sneezing): Cephas!

PETER: That'll be enough of that. The question before us is, What do we do now? How do we make lemons out of lemonade?

JAMES: You've got that backwards.

PETER: Silence!

JOHN: How come you get to do all the talking? Who made you the boss?

PETER: Who made me the boss? I'll tell you who made me the boss. And I want you all to listen up. Once and for all time, I'm the BOSS because I have the MAGIC TALKING STICK™.

(Holds up the stick. Blank stares. Silence.)

PAUL: Uhh, the what?

PETER: The Magic Talking Stick™. It was given to me by the Almighty Himself.

THOMAS: Not buyin' it.

PETER: Oh don't you start.

PAUL: How exactly did that work?

PETER: It fell from Heaven with a message emblazoned across the sky: "You, Peter, I give the Magic Talking Stick™ with which ye shall bespeak infallibly for the ages all manner of moral and doctrinal truthiness — AND I forgive you for the Mary Magdalene business. Sincerely, God."

JOHN: What Mary Magdalene business?

PETER: Not relevant to this discussion! Now, if we can get back to the business at hand. How do we salvage our Movement?

JAMES: How exactly would you define this Movement?

PETER: To raise a mighty army, push the Romans into the sea, rebuild our Kingdom, be a Light Unto the Nations forever hailed as God's Chosen People from Whom the Stinky Gentiles Shall Seek Wisdom and Salvation, etc. etc.

JAMES: Please stop capitalizing every other word.

PETER: It's called emphasis.

JOHN: Safe to say there's nothing to salvage of the Movement. It's as dead as, well, as dead as—

PETER: Don't you dare say it.

THOMAS: Jesus.

(Groans.)

PETER: What is the matter with you?

THOMAS: Oh like we weren't all thinking it.

PETER: Yes, well, that was rather ... unfortunate.

JUDAS: I say we raid some larders.

PETER: Hey, Bernie Madoff, shut your pie hole.

JAMES: I say we continue as planned. We challenge Roman authority. We buy some weapons, craft a guerrilla army, and drive the garlic-eaters back where they came from!

(Cheers.)

PETER: Who here has heard of the Carthaginians? Raise your hand.

(Hands remain at everyone's sides.)

PETER (to JAMES): That's why we don't do that thing you just said... I have a better way. I have a way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

JAMES (under his breath): Have that backwards...

(PETER throws the Magic Talking Stick™ at JAMES.)

PETER: Now, if I may continue...

PAUL: Like someone can stop you.

(TIMOTHY shoots PAUL a look.)

PAUL: I mean, other than me....

PETER: The Romans and the Elders think they have crushed our Movement once and for all. Cut off the head and the fish wind up in the can—(looking at JAMES) I swear I will punch you in the pancreas. Now, what better way to prove that our Master was who we believed he was and, at the same time, undermine the moral authority of Rome but to say that he has come into his Kingdom. That he is now Lord, and Caesar is not.

PAUL: How exactly do we convince them of this, seeing as they managed to nail the King of the Jews to two crossbeams and drive his followers into hiding BY THE WAY.

(Everyone looks at their feet except Paul and Timothy, who stare at PETER.)

PETER: Yeah, well, thanks for that. But what if they didn't kill him after all?

JOHN: But I saw it with my own eyes.

PETER: Yes. But — what if they killed him, but didn't kill him.

(JUDAS raises his hand.)

PETER: What?

JUDAS: Have to go to the bathroom.

PETER: I told you to go before we started. Just sit there and hold it.

JUDAS: I have a tiny bladder.

PETER: You'll have a tiny knot of the back of your head in five minutes if you don't shut it.

JOHN: What does that mean, "Killed him but didn't kill him"?

PETER: What if he were to reappear in our midst. Alive and well. Even better — forever indestructible. A sign of both his eternal sonship and the indestructibility of our Movement?

PAUL: Ohhkayy. I'm gonna go grab some lunch. Who's with me?

JAMES: No, wait a minute. I think I see where he's going with this. The Romans nailed him to a Cross, but God—

PETER: Raised him up again.

THOMAS: Nobody's gonna believe that. I mean, how are you going to prove such a thing? Drag his bloody, bedraggled corpse around Jerusalem crying: "Behold the Resurrection and the Life"?

ANDREW: What about the actual...you know...body?

PETER: I've got that covered. We remove the body from his tomb and say God raised him from the dead, that he appeared to us and many others, and then ZWOOP! he shot back into heaven, from whence he shall return and establish his Kingdom once and for all.

JUDAS: Zwoop?

PAUL: OK, question—

PETER: Yes, Professor Proton?

PAUL: Why?

PETER: What do you mean why?

JAMES: Yeah, put me down for a why too.

PETER: Why what?

PAUL: Why make up this story at all? Why not just admit we lost and go home.

PETER: Because I don't want to admit we lost. I want to win.

JUDAS: Win what?

PETER: Win ... you know, that we were right about Jesus and they were wrong.

JOHN: But we weren't right. He's as dead as Cleopatra.

PETER: But that's where our little story comes in. He is Risen! He has returned to the Father!

PAUL: One more time: WHY? What have we proven? That the nails weren't long enough? That he has amazing recuperative powers?

PETER: That the Kingdom is nigh!

JAMES: Nigh what? Nigh impossible? Where do you see a Kingdom? I see Roman goons, a fractured nation, and a bunch of belligerent competing sects and phony messiahs.

PETER: That's because you're using your eyes.

JOHN: Yeah, well, I tried my elbows and I walked into an ox cart.

PETER: You have to see with your heart. The Kingdom is coming.

JOHN: When?

PETER: Soon!

JOHN: But it's not. And it won't. And then what?

PETER: We'll be dead by then, so who cares?

THOMAS: No one is going to believe this story.

PETER: What is wrong with you? Did you not get enough hugs when you were a kid or something? We're living in a prescientific era. People believe all kinds of nutty stuff. We can convince them of anything.

PAUL: Look, people are willing to believe a lot foolishness if they're convinced they're getting something out of it. Some kind of power. Power over sickness. Power over poverty. Power over their enemies. Power over the unseen, unknown. Power over the past. Rub this, kill that, burn the other thing, say the magic words — and get your wish. What are we offering in exchange for believing this wacky story?

PETER: Uhh, I dunno. The forgiveness of sins?

JAMES: We already have the forgiveness of sins. That's what the Temple is for. And all of my brother's "predictions" notwithstanding — it ain't going anywhere. The Romans are crazy but they're not stupid. They prize one thing more than power, and that's what power buys them — order. The kind of chaos that would be unleashed by destroying the Temple simply is not in their playbook.

PETER: One more time — Carthaginians.

JUDAS: Look, Paul is right: what's in it for anybody, including us? So they believe the Jesus who went around encouraging the poor and hugging the disgusting and healing the sick and feeding the lame is back — for the moment. Then ZWOOP, to use your word, he's gone again. Then what? We're left the objects of both ridicule and the authorities' wrath for spreading this crazy story and riling people up. And by the way, riled up for what? War? You just said we can't win because of what happened to the Carolingians or whoever they hell they are. Were.

JAMES: People want power. You're offering them powerlessness. A story with an ending that is no ending. Just endless ... waiting.

JOHN: If he had written a magic book that laid down a new set of laws to order people's lives, or, better, had raised an army that conquered our enemies and united our tribes, that would be a legacy worth preserving. But what did he leave us? Love your enemies? Turn the other cheek? You are sheep among wolves? Life Lessons from the Soon to Be Decimated.

THOMAS: Right, "Eh, excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Goldfarb, but how would you like to put your trust in the imminent return of an executed criminal. It will mean you'll probably lose your possessions and possibly your lives, but hey, you get to spend all eternity staring into the face of the God who cooked this scheme up. Work for you?"

JAMES: Clubs. Really large clubs. With spikes at the end. That's what we need.

JOHN: And how exactly are we to convince everyone that he's risen again? Did we get to that part yet?

PETER: That part's easy. We get someone to dress up in a Jesus suit and run around town for a few days, saying hi to people we select beforehand, and then — ZWOOP!

JUDAS: ZWOOP there he ain't.

JAMES: Excuse me — a "Jesus suit"? Where exactly are we to find a "Jesus suit" at this time of night?

THOMAS: Yeah, that's the problem. It's late...

PETER (TO JAMES) : You know, now that I think of it — you look enough like your brother.

JAMES: Oh, no. No no no no. I'm not doing that. That's bad juju, man.

PAUL: Uh, question—

PETER: Yeah, Dwight Shrute in the back.

JOHN: Enough with the anachronistic references or we'll lose all credibility!

PAUL: (TO PETER) What do we say when people ask why Jesus had to die in the first place? I mean, if God had this special plan for him all along to, you know, establish His Kingdom on earth — what's with the humiliating torturous death?

PETER: I've thought about that. Are you ready? He is the Passover lamb — but better. He's the LAST Passover lamb. The last sacrifice for sin. No more bloodshed. No more sacrifices. Anyone can get their sins forgiven anywhere — because he died once for all. That's the story they have to believe. That's our ... good news for them.

THOMAS: Yeah, that'll preach... Anybody have any munchies? M&Ms? Cheetos?

PAUL: And what about the Temple? What about the sacrifices offered at the Temple?

PETER: I've got that figured out too. I swear, I could kiss myself I'm so smart: we goad the Romans into tearing the whole thing down and driving most of Jerusalem's inhabitants into exile.

THOMAS: So, the discretionary fund we were going to use for new office furniture—

JOHN (TO PETER): I hate to break this to you, Einstein, but our brothers aren't going to buy any of this, because we're pretty much claiming that Jesus was so pure he could merit the forgiveness of sins that were not his own. Which would make him what? God? And they won't buy that the Resurrection, or at least one Resurrection, has already come. And the Gentiles will think we're even loonier because the idea of resurrecting the body is odious to them. And what they're interested in more than anything else, again, is power and order. So basically we're telling all the wrong lies.

PAUL: That's right. If the Jews won't believe it and the Gentiles won't even understand it, who exactly is this story for?

(Long pause.)

PETER: The Dutch.

JUDAS: OK, really gotta pee now—

PETER: Sit! We can make this work if we all stick together.

JAMES: You're going to get us all killed.

PETER: Yes, well, that's sort of an essential part of the plan. We all have to die martyrs' deaths, to make people really believe that we really believe this.

JOHN: I'm outta here. See you gents around. Have a nice life. Write when you get work.

PETER: Patience, Captain Courageous. You can be exiled to a faraway island.

JUDAS: Oooh, can I get an island too?

PAUL: Who are you, Sancho Panza?

PETER: Uh, I have a different plan for you, Judas. You see, we need a sellout. The story is always more satisfying if we have one traitor in our midst. And since you have all the integrity of a tax collector—

MATTHEW: Hey!

PETER: Sorry, Matty — (TO JUDAS) — we need you to bite the bullet.

JUDAS: What's a bullet?

PETER: We need you to go hang yourself.

JAMES: That seems a bit harsh just because he has to pee.

PETER: It's adds drama to the story. You turned Jesus over to the Romans because you thought our Leader would be backed into a corner and finally initiate the Great Rebellion against Rome. But it backfired. And guilt-ridden, you hang yourself.

JUDAS: Uhh, I'm thinkin' no.

PETER: And the rest of us have a short period of time to spread this story as quickly as possible, set up little congregations of believers, and get ourselves killed. Paul—

PAUL: Wait for it ...

PETER: It would probably be useful if, once we get those little communities of believers going, you could write some incomprehensible letters explaining what all this means. Make them really dense and impenetrable so people will think you're being profound and puzzle over your words for years and years.

PAUL: Yeah, I can do that. As for the martyr bit — I'm a Roman citizen. I have certain privileges you guys don't.

JAMES: Oh throw that in our faces, why don't you.

PETER: I've got a whole other backstory for you that's the real spine of this narrative. The great Paul of Tarsus, Pharisee of Pharisee, Persecutor of Jesus Freaks — becomes one of them! How could that be possible? Jesus himself appeared to him! Yes...it's all coming together perfectly...

JUDAS: I have a better story. What if we say that Jesus pushed the stone away from his tomb and grew to become a hundred feet tall and could fly like an eagle and he ZWOOPED to Rome and appeared to Caesar and threatened to peck out his eyes unless he removed all his troops from Judea? Oh, and every time somebody makes Jesus mad, he turns green and says, "Don't make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry."

PETER: Is the urine backing up into your brain?

JOHN: Once more with feeling: WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? Why are we perpetuating this ludicrous series of lies only to get ourselves killed for a cause we all know is baloney and will only end in a lot of dead believers waiting patiently for a Kingdom that ain't here and ain't coming? Why don't we just declare victory in our minds and, like Paul said, GO HOME.

PETER: Because I want to win.

PAUL: Win what?

PETER: Come on, guys! Win! Win! Win! Win!

JUDAS: OH! OH NO!

(Judas collapses on the floor. The others all groan in disgust.)

JAMES: Oh, that's nasty...

JOHN: What is that coming out of him?

PAUL: I think his bladder's burst.

TIMOTHY: Something's burst. I think he's dead.

JOHN: There goes your hanging.

JAMES: Yeah, what kind of story is that? He was so riddled with guilt, he refused to go pee-pee until his guts exploded?

PETER: Don't worry about it. I'll smooth it out in the editing.

(END)

There you have it: incontrovertible evidence that the New Testament is a collection of lies, legends, and plots. To continue promulgating the "official" Christian story is to declare yourself against science, the New York Times, air conditioning, recycling, the United Nations, Glee, diversity, fourth-trimester abortions, assisted suicide, increased funding for public schools, and free Wi-Fi for everyone. And that makes you a bad and stupid person. And you know what happens to bad and stupid people.

Just ask the Carolingians.  http://www.britannica.com/EBchecked/topic/96523/Carolingian-dynasty